Disney Dad

I've been doing some research on why children with unmarried parents prefer to live with their fathers.  Basically I've been curious to whether it's a gender preference, an age thing, etc.  Obviously this is not always the case, kids wanting to live with their dads, that is.  But in our home it is, so I wanted to know why.  That's just how I function.  I have to know the why... the science... whatever behind it.  Not that I don't believe my children or trust their feelings, but I know research has been done on this so I was curious to what it said.  So I've read everything I can find.  Scientific research, op ed pieces, web forums... you name it, I've read it!

As I begin to look into this, an alarming trend appeared from women.  (Mostly in web forums, but also some op ed pieces as well.)  Women claimed over and over again their child only wanted to live with their ex because their ex was what many refer to us a "Disney Dad" or "Uncle Dad".  This meaning, the dad is just around for the fun and not the actual parenting.  This infuriated me for many reasons so I'm putting it out there in the world that this girl right here (one biological and step mom) thinks women believing this might actually be fooling themselves instead of just accepting the fact that their child's needs are changing.  I'll use my home as my example.

My step son comes here to visit.  The visitation my husband was given was 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends; Thursdays during the school year; 30 days during summer in addition to weekends; school holidays rotating each year.  So starting off the courts have set dad's up to have children during "quality time" periods.  These are generally times when the father and children do not have work or school obligations as frequently.  Thus, creating the perception that dad only does the fun stuff.  Well, court system and ladies, we've set it up to be this way.  It has been proven that the non-custodial parent actually has more "quality time" with the child than the custodial parent in custody situations such as ours.  Most of the hours the child has in the custodial household are spent sleeping and at school.  Once you add in homework, dinner, and extra curricular activities your "quality time" has been lost in the day to day life.  But remember, this arrangement is what you wanted.

Camping with the girls while J-Man was making memories
with his Mom over Memorial Day weekend!

Now to dispel the myth that all that happens at the non-custodial house is fun and play.  Well, maybe in some homes, but not in ours (or anyone that I know).  We have lives just like the rest of you.  We have a marriage and other children.  We have a world that was spinning while we didn't have my step son here.  It did not stop when he left our home to await his return.  And when he does return each time there are still toys to be picked up, practices to attend, church obligations, and yep... date nights or alone time that don't involve any of our kids.  

Oh, and those weekday visits (including the summer).  Well, we still have to go to work.  It's funny how that goes.  I will say in our home, we are very fortunate.  The kids are cared for by their grandparents in our absence.  Their routine does not differ.  Also, my husband and I have flexible work schedules.  So the children are never left more than a few hours at a time and a maximum of four days a week.  However, that has nothing to do with my step son's visitation schedule.  This is the life we chose because we have three children who need us to be present in their lives.  

Sometimes being a "good dad" means
throwing batting practice!

In addition to us working year round, the school year brings extra challenges because you add in homework and earlier bed times.  This lessens the amount of "fun" time that anyone is having.  And usually means that this mom is counting the minutes until bedtime due to pure exhaustion.

I know it may seem ideal and be easier on the hearts of mom's around the world to think that dad's house is all fun and games.  And I'd imagine that sometimes it really is more fun.  But that's not because dad is trying to one up you.  He's simply being himself.  Research has shown that dad's play more frequently with their children.  Dad's do parenting differently.  It's taken me a long time to realize this (okay, so I'm still working on it), but this is okay and *gasp* good for the children!

My research has nothing to do with this topic, but I just couldn't read another post by some mom about how her child only wanted to live with dad because he was a "Disney Dad".  It made me feel all defensive.  And in full disclosure, my husband has never been accused of this
by his ex so it's not even personal.  More so it just irritated me for father's everywhere.  

And sometimes being a "good dad" means time alone
with Mama!  

I've noticed a huge movement by father's trying to prove they are just as vital as mother's.  Research has backed this up time and time again.  As women we have to support this notion that they matter just as much as mother's do.  Someday our son's will grow up, and we live in a fallen world.  They may find themselves in circumstances which require them to defend their ability to parent equally.  If we are not paving the way for them to have this opportunity now, then we are doing them an injustice.  

My step son wants to live with his dad.  And I may not understand all the reasoning behind it, but there is one thing that is for certain... it's not because he's a "Disney Dad".  Let's stop using that as our defense and start looking at the million other reasons research and our children are telling us might possibly be the case.

Fourth Grade

Tomorrow I'll walk into our local elementary school and drop my Bitty Boo off for fourth grade.  I'm not really good at that kind of thing... you know, milestones and such.  I will cry and not want to leave.  She will smile her reassuring smile and nudge me out of the door.  

All day long I'll wonder what she is doing and how her day is going.  I'm leaving her in a familiar place with someone who is a stranger to us both.  It seems a little odd that each year we get a only a few minutes to "meet the teacher"... the teacher we are entrusting our child to for the next nine months.  

Does this teacher know how special my girl is?  Does she know that my Lexie girl wears her heart on her sleeve?  Does she know that praise speaks volumes and criticism crushes her spirit?  Does she know what her eyes look like when she doesn't feel good?  Does she know she is my heart and soul?  Would she understand if I tried to tell her?

So many questions and only times holds these answers.  So many fears and unknowns.  So much blind trust... faith, if you will.

Tomorrow I'll walk into our local elementary school and leave a piece of my heart in fourth grade... and I'm just not quite ready for that yet.

************
My Precious Girl,

Tomorrow as you start fourth grade, it is my hope for you that you open your heart and mind to new hopes, new dreams, new possibilities.  I hope your days are filled will laughter and learning.  I pray that you find beauty in the new knowledge you will gain and show pride in your work.  I dream for peaceful school days in a place that you feel loved, valued, and safe.  I pray that above all else, you will always be kind.  God has given you a gift to feel deep compassion for others.  I hope that you never deny that gift and that you reach out to those who many need a friend.  I pray without ceasing that you remember that who you are in Christ's eyes far exceeds who you are in the eyes of your best friend, your teachers, and even myself.

Tomorrow you take another step towards a future of independence.  But with each step forward, please remember that at the end of the day you come home to a place where it is okay to fall back... fall into the arms who love you.  A place where you don't have to be "mature" or "cool".  A place where we don't care what you wear or who you play with at recess.  A place where you are loved unconditionally.  You will find this year, and in the years to come that having this "place" is invaluable.  Because feelings will be hurt, hearts will be broken, and bad grades will come.  You will need this constant.   Please never be afraid to talk to us, share with us, let us love you.

Being your mother continues to be one of my greatest joys in this lifetime.  There is nothing you could ever do to make me feel differently.  Bitty, Mommy loves you so very much.  I am in awe of the young lady you are becoming.  I will never understand how I could have been a part of making something so miraculous... so wonderful!  But here you are... and I could not be prouder.

So tomorrow my precious angel, walk into fourth grade, and just be you!  The beautiful wonderful you that God created you to be!  I carry your heart, my sweet baby girl... I carry it in my heart!

I love you,

Mommy

How Many is Too Many?!?

When my husband and I were approached about doing a new network marketing company, we hesitated a little at first.  I was already involved in one company that has fantastic products that I truly stand behind 100%!  It seemed like it might be a conflict of interest.  So when I researched the subject, I didn't find much out there.  What I did find had conflicting opinions.  I believe that everyone is entitled to their own view on whether or not this is something that is right for them, but I wanted to share with you how we came to our decision.

The company I am involved in alone is a great company.  As I said before, the products are top notch!  Part of the reason I chose to get involved with it is because it had such a variety of products, but all the products stayed true to their brand and philosophy.  I liked that consistency.

However, after being involved with that company for a couple of years I have realized that just like with all things in life... not everything is a fit for everyone.  So when we were approached about another company that had products we felt passionate about it, we decided to give them both a try. 

I know this comes with mixed ideas and opinions.  I'm sure we'll receive backlash from people for taking this approach.  However, our purpose is to help provide for our family in a way that benefits others.  To find two companies who help us do this is really just great!

I do not think our business will be divided or that one of our companies will suffer because of the other.  I think it allows us a better opportunity to meet the needs of more people!  As for us, we have used both companies products, and it's working for us!  I'd be willing to be there are other people out there who would do the same.  After all, I'm not brand exclusive when I shop for groceries, clothes, or anything else.  I find what I like from each company and make it work for me!

This is a personal decision everyone has to make, but that was our thought process.  I hope it helps someone else in making a decision that works for their family!

We'd love for you to check us out, and we are happy to answer any questions you may have!

Visit us at jessicamarick.myarbonne.com or marick.myitworks.com or e-mail us at joshnjessmarick@gmail.com!  We look forward to hearing your feedback on what worked for your family!

Character

As a mother, building children of good character is probably one of the most challenging tasks I face.  My children live in a world where people seem more concerned with their reputation than they are with their character and teaching them the difference is not always easy.  

Because the proverbial glass in our home must remain half full at all times, my husband and I have chosen to take the unfortunate experiences our children witness and use them as teachable moments.  It has them allowed to see the character of their friends (and sometimes family) as well as those in the world around them.  And hopefully it is also teaching them what type of person they need to be.

I think sometimes as adults it's easy to struggle with this also.  Especially if we are the type of people who have a desire to please others.  (That would be me.)  Often times I worry more about how it will look if I do or (especially) don't do something instead of looking at my intentions behind it.  When my intentions are not pure, my character becomes tainted.  

It is not hard to see through those with the wrong intentions or those simply doing things to try to impress others.  I know it always makes me chuckle to watch from the outside the people who try to act as if they have a life that is something it is not.  I find myself having trouble respecting people who do this.  I imagine it's hard to respect yourself as well...

A little while back I began writing my TransparentME series of blog posts.  (They will pop up every now and then as I feel I am emotionally ready to share.)  But since then they have changed my life in another way.  They have inspired me to not worry about my reputation... or at least not give in to those worries by making that my focus.  Instead, my focus is my character.  Who am I when no one is looking or listening?  

I think what inspires me most to stay the course is realizing that God is always watching.  When it's all said and done, He is the one I will answer to.  He will know what I have done, who I have helped, and who I have misled.  He will know the true intent behind my actions and the state of my heart at all times.  

I'm not going to lie and say it's been easy to be honest and transparent.  I am a "pleaser".  I want people to be happy with me.  (And that doesn't always happen when you are laying the truth out there... about yourself, others, life in general... people are afraid of that sometimes!)  I want people to think I'm doing a good job at life.  But that isn't always honest.  Sometimes I'm just sucking at everything.  Probably more often than not, I'm sucking at most things!  And the truth is, when I'm not honest with myself and others that just hurts me more than anyone else.  If I'm not capable of saying that sometimes I am not making the cut, then I'm not opening myself up for real growth.  

If I could really imprint one thing in my children's minds it would be that their character counts!  Their reputation may make the nice ladies at work like them or their best friend from high school think they are still super awesome, but it WILL NOT make them into the person God wants them to be.  It will not make them be able to lay their head down at night with peace and personal fulfillment.  And quite honestly, they will just be embarrassing themselves.  And no Mama ever wants her babies embarrassed!  So ask yourself this kids, "Who are you when no one is watching?!?" 

 

Home Is Where The Heart Is

When we first moved to Texas almost 13 years ago, it seemed like it would never feel like "home".  We returned to Oklahoma often.  During that time I wondered, "How long will it take until we quit saying we are going home when we head there for the weekend?"  It wasn't an immediate shift in thinking at all.  It took time.

And then one day things changed.  I'm not exactly sure when or what triggered it.  It was a gradual change of sorts.  We had developed a comfort and security in Texas.  No longer were we going "home" to Oklahoma.  We were just going to Oklahoma.  Then we were coming back "home" to Texas.

A simple change in reference that I thought reflected a change in our hearts.  And in some ways that was true. But throughout the last 13 years many things have happened.  Many things that have shown us that "home" really has nothing to do with our physical location.  It really is true when they say, "Home is where the heart is".  And when you leave pieces of your heart in various places, "home" can be so many places.  Tonight my body may be miles away from here... but my heart is "home".

TransparentME - Depression

The first time I remember wanting to kill myself was in fifth grade.  Looking back, this was when I remember my depression beginning.  It was not instigated by any life event.  It was something I was simply born with.  In fact, hearing accounts of how I was as a child, I believe that I always displayed certain characteristics of this.  What my parents saw as a strong personality, I believe, was actually mental illness that had not yet manifested into anything identifiable.

I remember writing, "I wish I was dead."  I remember nothing else written on that paper, but I remember writing those words and putting it in my desk.  I had been placed in a class with none of my "friends" that year.  I had the teacher I wanted, but none of my friends were in my class.  On top of that my friends were making fun of the kids I was in class with (who are all remarkable people, might I add).  It was devastating for me at the time.  I felt alone.  The jokes, while meant to be harmful, made me feel embarrassed.  I hate being embarrassed.

That year was rough for me.  I decided to quit gymnastics after my Level 8 season.  I knew it was what I wanted to do, but I struggled with the fact that it was really all I knew, it was what people identified me with, and I didn't want to disappoint my dad (a feeling I placed on myself).  

I began middle school.  For most of us this is a time of ups and downs.  It's an awkward stage.  I had friends, I had boyfriends, I was liked.  Many people who knew me then would probably say that I had no grounds for being "depressed".  I wholeheartedly agree.  This is how I know that my depression is something deeply engrained in me.  

As time went on and the roller coaster of my emotions went with it, my family suffered greatly at my expense.  I was angry.  Mean angry.  I said mean things to my parents and my sister.  They were my safe place.  The safe place I tried to destroy.  

In high school, I once again had the life that most girls would dream of.  I had friends.  I made varsity cheerleader as a freshman.  I got the car I wanted.  I had the boyfriend I wanted.  My emotions would rise and fall despite these things.  My boyfriend would just become another landing place for my ups and downs.  He was the rock in my storm.  

The summer before my junior year, I found out I would be moving.  A an unstable girl who doesn't like change.  This was a recipe for disaster.

Like most high school relationships, mine ended.  Not because I was moving, but because I was a walking emotional disaster.  At 17 and 18 you can only take so much of that before you reach your breaking point.  He reached his, rightfully so.  

The day the relationship ended I cut my wrists.  I was not trying to kill myself.  Simply numbing the emotional pain.  I had one friend reach out to me at this time because by this point the rest were no longer interested in the mess I was.  Again, rightfully so.  The next day, I moved to Texas.

If it's possibly to not feel anything yet feel everything in a terrifying intensely way, this was how you would describe how I spent the next several months.  I did not want to go to a new school.  My parents agreed to homeschool me.  I wanted to go back to Oklahoma so I spent a lot of time back and forth between the two places.  I replaced the old boyfriend with our mutual best friend.  Not to hurt him, but to feel a sense of normalcy and connection.  It backfired.  It was undoubtedly the most toxic relationship I have been in.  I lost one of my dearest friends because of it, and many others along the way.

As I continued to search for a new safe place... a new sense of security... I took down everyone in my path.  I cheated on my boyfriend with my friend's boyfriend.  I said mean things to people.  I acted out.  I deliberately hurt others.  I was out of control.  Not because I wanted to be.  I hated who I was.  It was like this life was happening around me.  My body was participating, but my mind was crying for help... begging for someone to notice what a mess I was.  Hoping for one of those friends who used to care to stop and say, "Let me help you.  Let me love you."  It never happened.  And for many years I was angry with the people who used to be my friends.  It took me a long time to realize that those expectations were too high to place on teenagers.  

I went off to college hoping for a fresh start.  I was excited to go through Rush and felt like it was finally my chance to start over and make new friends.  I was sure I would do it right this time since I had learned so much from my mistakes.  Well, word gets around that you are a hot mess, and no one wanted me in their sorority.  In the thirty years I have been alive, I have never felt pain or rejection like that.  It was heartbreaking.

So here I was, at this new place, four hours away from home.  ALONE.  I ate every meal from a deli right by my dorm because I could bring it back up to my room.  If I was eating alone, at least I wouldn't have to look pathetic doing so.  I kept to myself until low and behold, I got a phone call from a kid who had heard my name be called during the roll in Freshman Comp.  We began to hang out, and it wasn't long before we were in a relationship.  I was no longer alone, and that felt good.  In time, I also made friends with other girls in my dorm.  Insanely wonderful and beautiful people.  Things were looking up for awhile.

However, when you suffer from depression you have your highs and lows.  I still had a past that was haunting me around every corner.  And I wasn't really happy with the boy from Freshman Comp.  But I liked feeling wanted so I stayed.   I stayed just long enough to get pregnant my Sophomore year of college.  Devastated, I moved home that summer.

After having Lexie, I did well for a long time.  I poured myself into being a mother.  I was good at it.  I was needed.  It allowed me to not have to deal with the emotions and heartaches I'd left behind the years before.  But life has a funny way of throwing curve balls at you, and once again I found myself in another toxic relationship. 

When that relationship ended, I swallowed 21 Tylenol.  There is nothing quite as humbling as having your stomach pumped.  I was 23 years old, and I had been a complete disaster since I was 10.  I'd like to say that this was rock bottom.  And in some ways it was.  I have never tried anything so drastic again, but depression continues to haunt me.

I have been on medications.  They made me less angry and generally more tolerable to the people around me.  But they have never been a permanent fix.  The fix that lets me feel like every other person.  The type of person who has bad days for a reason, not just because they woke up feeling wrong.

I am proud to say that I have been medication free for a few years now.  I know that this is entirely due to my children, my husband, and my gracious and loving God.  

My children need me to be whole.  And for the most part, this is enough of a reminder to get me back on track on the days that I cannot physically make myself get out of bed.  Their unconditional love sparks something in me that literally makes my lows last for shorter periods of time than they ever did before.

My husband has been my saving grace.  I've loved two men in my life, and I think I fell in love with them both for the same reason.... they "get" me.  Where my husband wins the prize in "getting me" is that he knows how to manage my highs and lows instead of just trying to manage me.  Sometimes that is a beautiful picture of him picking up my slack or him drying my tears.  Other times, it is a more chaotic scene which would scare small children.  Regardless, he knows where I am (usually before I do), and he meets me there.  He carries me when I need it, and he loves me through it.  His presence is cathartic for me, even when he is the object of my unwarranted rage.  It baffles me each and every day that he chooses day after day (and he has for over 6 years) to love me anyway.  He says he fell in love with me because he knew it would never get boring... I think he's just slightly crazy!

Forgiveness... something that took me so long to actually understand.  Something God had given me before I allowed myself to receive it.  Can you believe that over 20 years of hurting myself and others, and it has only been in this last year that I've allowed myself to come to the foot of the cross with my sins?!?  All this while, God has been graciously loving me and waiting for me.  And when I arrived I was greeted with the most indescribable sense of peace.  He believed that I deserved His forgiveness long before I ever could convince myself of that.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father provides me constant healing.  I see Him work through my children and husband, and I see Him work directly through me.  He is my eternal safe place.

I write this all with little emotion.  It's choppy and written as it comes to me.  That very much resembles my journey with this disease.  I think 20 years of pain is enough.  I am forever sorry to those whose path crossed mine in a negative way the past 20 years.  I have been a complete mess for a lot of it, and no one has deserved the negative effects they received from me.  This will forever break my heart.  And I repeatedly have to remind myself that I deserve forgiveness for these things.  

There is an upside to every story.  With my depression, comes deep emotion.  While I get my feelings hurt easily, I also love deeply and passionately.  I may be quick to anger, but I'm also loyal to a fault and quick to defend those who need defending.  While I may not let you know you hurt me, I will no longer hurt you back.  I will cover us both in prayer.  

I am in a constant battle with myself.  I will live the rest of my life this way.  It is the way God made me.  I am doing it the best I can.  I am proud to say that for the past four years, I've been kicking depression's butt.  I know many others have their own story with this disease.  This is mine.  This is my truth.  This is ME.

*I apologize for any typos.  This is one of those things that I have written and will never read.

Truth... The Whole Truth

... And nothing but the truth!

The past month I have repeatedly crossed paths with people telling lies or half-truths.  You know, the kind where they tell part of something that's true, and maybe it goes with the story they are telling, but may be it's not related in any way at all.  Or maybe part of what they said happened, but they have exaggerated it to make themselves look better or others look incompetent.

Anyone who knows me, knows that this does not settle well with me.  Lies and stealing are my two bugga-boos!  Yep, they just make me crazy mad because they are two things I absolutely positively just do not understand!

I'm not talking about little white lies like telling a co-worker, "Oh what a cute new hair cut" when really you don't like it.  While I would choose not to say anything at all, I am (ironically) okay with things like this because I believe it builds others up.  And building others up is always good!

It's the misrepresentation of ones self or others that absolutely drives me batty, and that is exactly what I have been running across lately.  Who knew that would be the case with adults.  It was so bad with one adult I knew, I un-friended them on Facebook.  (I feel like a 13 year old girl writing that out, but it's the truth!)   I could no longer take the half truths or the blatant misinformation they spewed from their lips.  It was becoming increasingly hard not to call them out on this so I chose to just "delete".  (Yes, big step for me... I'm a girl who does not usually hesitate to confront!)

I think the worst offenders of this are moms.  In our constant effort to compete with one another it seems we fall into two extremes.  The mom's who want to appear as if they are on top of their game 110% of the time and the mom's who try want to appear as if they are a hot mess.  Both types are rather trendy right now!  And if we are all being honest, we probably fall somewhere in between that mix on any given day (or from hour to hour).  I know I do, and if we are friends on Facebook you watch that crazy cycle of our lives play out!  I guess I just find it really upsetting that as adults, we are struggling with honesty.  What is so wrong with being who we are and putting that out there for the world to see?  

God worked so hard on each and every one of us!  When we spread untruths, whether about ourselves or others, we are not glorifying His handiwork.  We are not building each other up.  We are breaking down the very foundation upon which we stand!   We are all His children, we are all part of the same community.  We owe it to ourselves to work, share, and encourage in a way that is honest and pure!

The other day, my nine year old son and I were having a conversation about someone who was misrepresenting (and lying about) some things.  He said to me, "She just says that stuff so people will like her."  Wow!  Slap in the face!  He was right!   It is so easy to get wrapped up in how people view us that we forget to worry about how we view ourselves, and more important, how God is viewing us!

The truth is not always easy!  We all struggle with it from time to time.  And sometimes the truth makes us look really bad.  But I've found it's always easier to lay your head down at night when you have not misrepresented yourself or others. 

"Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that deal truly are his delight."  -Proverbs 12:22