Struggles of Being a Step Mom - It's a Fine Line

One of the hardest parts of being a step parent (or having a blended family) is when you disagree with choices that the "other parent" is making.  It is a constant struggle of stepping back and allowing them to parent how they see fit and protecting your child.  Often it is a fine line that can be easily crossed.  So we try to remind ourselves often that we are not perfect parents.  Our heavenly Father is the only perfect parent there is, and it is Him that we should let judge how we've handled the task that he's entrusted us with... the task of parenting.  

Lately, we've had many struggles with the "other parent" in our situation.  It started when my step son started telling us he wanted to live here.  I think deep down all of us knew that day would eventually come, but I will admit that we were all surprised that it came so soon.  

Let me get off track here by saying that we've always felt it would be in my step son's best interest to be with us.  While his mother has done better in parenting the last nine months, she is still way to preoccupied with things that don't involve being a parent.  Her improvements seem to be based entirely upon not wanting us to do something that she doesn't do.  While her mimicking our parenting style has been beneficial to my step son, it is obvious to all of us (including him) that she isn't doing it because it's what she feels called to do.  She is doing it because she is desperately trying to keep up with his life here.  And in all fairness, she can't possibly come close to doing that.  We live different lifestyles.  We make different choices.  We have entirely different situations.  When she learns to embrace those differences she will have the relationship with my step son that she's struggling to hold on to.  

That leads me back into him wanting to live here.  It made sense to us.  It made sense to him.  He wanted more time with his dad.  He would have it.  He wanted to have his dad coach his sports teams.  That would be possible.  (It isn't currently possible due to the 45 minute drive that lies between us.)  He is a smart kid who needs to be challenged.  Our home school performs very well academically and has great programs for kids like him.  He wants someone to be home when he gets home from school.  Someone is always here.  With every reason that he had for wanting to be with us we were able to say, "Okay.  We can do that."  Because those were just normal things in our every day lives.  So after much prayer, thought, consideration, and playing devil's advocate we sat down to talk to her.  And of course, she said no.  Understandable because that's her child.  Baffling because she is denying her child of something that he wants and that would be in his best interest.  She had no argument against it being the better place for him.  She simply didn't think he was old enough to make that decision.  While I disagree (because children understand far more than we think), she is old enough to make that decision.  She is old enough to look at all the factors and look at it objectively.  Willing?  Obviously not.  Capable?  Certainly.  

While her "no" to him living here was frustrating and disheartening, we moved forward.  After all, we could lay our heads down at night knowing we had done what was best for him.  She would lay down each night knowing her son wanted to be somewhere else.  Her cross to bear.  Our hearts were at peace other than feeling broken and helpless for my step son.  

My step son was quite bummed at his mother's decision.  Just yesterday I found him in his room sitting all alone.  When I inquired about what was on his mind he replied, "I just really wish I could live here."  So after a discussion on just really enjoying the time he had here and praying that God would touch his mom's heart to truly listen to his desires, we moved on.  However, since finding out about his mother saying no he has asked repeatedly to still play sports out here with his dad.  While this makes our lives quite complex, we could not possibly say no.  Not when his desires were so clear.  So we asked her about this.  Again, she said no.

In addition to her not wanting him to play sports out here she has gradually began taking away time that she had never before wanted or requested.  An odd thing to do when you know your child is wanting more time with the other parent.  We came to the conclusion that this wasn't about my step son.  It never really was.  It is about her having control, and her desperate attempt to hang on to what she has left of it.  It is about her realizing that the more time he spends here, the more he wants to be here permanently.  It appears that by taking away some of his time here she is attempting to create the opposite effect.  Less time with dad.  Less desire to live with dad.  

At this point we became angry.  Her selfish decisions and attempts to hurt us have done nothing but hurt the child she should so desperately try to protect.  She is not thinking of her child, she is thinking of her own selfish desires.  And while we are extremely sympathetic to her wanting to hang on to every moment she can with him (knowing that as he continues to get older he will want to be with his dad more), she has never cited that as a reason for these decisions.  Because that we can understand.  So we are left with, "He's not old enough to make that decision," and, "We can show him how to be an adult better than you can."

And that leads me here... we recently found out some information about her husband.  Some very unsettling information.  Finding out that she moved a married man into her home and then married him three months after his divorce (rebound?!?) and finding out he has a criminal history so this married man she moved into her home also came with a past and probation.  All mere weeks after meeting him online with a small child in her home.  

So this is where that fine line of things really becomes hard not to cross.  We are not upset with this man for his past.  We all have one.  His past is not ours to judge.  We believe that people deserve second chances, and that after being properly rehabilitated (fulfilling your entire probation/parole/counseling/etc.) you should be given that chance.  Our issue is with that fact that one, she never mentioned this to us.  Granted, she wasn't required to give us notice of this by the courts or anything, but after we've been so forthcoming with her it is disappointing to see she hasn't done the same for us.  Secondly, she brought this man into her home... my step son's home.  This wasn't a decision that only affected her.  This was a decision that affected a child.  What if she was wrong about this man she'd met online and only known a matter of weeks?  Did that thought cross her mind?  What about the fact that he was married?  What kind of example did that set?  Is that how she is going to show him how to be an adult?  Moving someone else's husband into her home... Again, the fine line between protecting our child and allowing her to parent as she sees fit.  

We are not perfect parents.  I cannot possibly express that enough.  We make mistakes.  Probably more than most.  We do selfish things.  We lose our patience.  We definitely have a long way to go before we'll be winning any awards.  But we try hard.  And I think that's why this situation has been so unsettling for us.  We aren't sure what to do.  While they are free to live their life as they see fit, we have strong feelings about the type of man we want my step son to grow up to be, and they aren't providing that example.  

At this point our hands are somewhat tied.  We will continue to do our best to protect him from the life that's been chosen for him at his mother's house.  And we will continue to be the best parents we can be.  All while walking this fine line.  Sometimes crossing it.  Sometimes rocking the boat more than we should.  Sometimes pouring out the raw truth and causing hurt feelings.  But all the time doing what we feel is in the best interest of the precious boy that we love so much.  

Second Grade... Here We Come!

It seems like only yesterday when Josh and I were cuddled in bed, feeling Hadlie move inside my tummy, tears streaming down our faces, clearly not ready to send our babies to kindergarten.  Now here we are... two years later.

 

Lexie's first day Kindergarten

 Jacob's first day of Kindergarten

Tomorrow Lexie and Jacob will begin second grade.  It's hard to believe that time has flown by so quickly.  It's hard to believe how much they've grown in the past two years.  They look different. They act different.  They have different interests.  They are no longer "little kids".  They are maturing into "big kids".  Again, I am not ready.

I am able to deal with Jacob changing and growing more easily than I am with Lexie.  I think that is due to the fact that since the beginning he has gone back and forth between houses.  Josh and I miss things.  His mother and step-father miss things.  The relationship between us all leaves much to be desired so we have never all been there for anything, and often times new accomplishments and daily happenings are not shared by either party.  One of the many tragedy's of a "broken home" and our inability to look past ourselves.  


However, I have watched him grow and change so much.  Especially this past summer.  He has progressed leaps and bounds.  At the end of the day it is my prayer that this progress will be nurtured by his teacher and continued throughout the year.  Josh and I have committed to helping as needed with the PTA at his school as well as in his classroom.  We have gotten him a phone so that throughout the week we are able to text or call him to see how his day was.  We are really making an effort to try to give him all that Lexie and Hadlie get from us.  We want to be able to be a part of these moments even if it is only in a small way.  Second grade will change him just like the past two years did.  God is working through Jacob in many ways right now, and I could not be more excited to see what this year brings for him!

Sending Lexie to school is a little harder for me.  Every year it is so bittersweet.  I'm filled with pride at the brilliant girl that she has become.  However, I don't think a mother ever gets used to sending her baby off somewhere.  There is always that small twinge of heartache when I realize that I will be missing precious moments of her growing, changing, learning.  Moments I used to witness all of.  Moments I was unprepared to face eight years ago as a young scared mother have now become moments I'm unprepared to give up to someone else.  One of life's many ironies...

I teared up finding out who Lexie's teacher was and again when meeting her.  I have no doubt that tomorrow will be tear filled too.  I will, once again, be handing my Bitty Boo over to someone else for the majority of her waking hours.  A place that Lexie so dearly loves.  A place filled with friends, laughter, and learning.  All things that fill Lexie's spirit.  And I'll wait eagerly to pick her up to find out all of the exciting things that happened... which from Lexie is less about what they learned and more about what happened at recess!

Tomorrow I will be placing my trust in Mrs. Hackett (Lexie's teacher) and Mrs. Auten (Jacob's teacher) and their schools.  I will trust that they will not only teach them everything they need to know, but that they will do so in a way that shows my children love, acceptance, and grace when needed.  I'll trust that they will be encouraged and challenged to be the best people they can be.  And I will hope and pray that they will build friendships that stand the test of time.  That they will be accepted for who they are.  That they are brave enough to stand up for others, and that others will stand up for them.  I pray that they will show all those they meet kindness and respect.  That their heart for Jesus will outweigh their desire to give into peer pressure.  

Part of my heart will be in second grade tomorrow... I just hope the other part can handle that! 

 Lexie at 2nd Grade "Meet the Teacher"

Jacob at 2nd Grade "Meet the Teacher"