TransparentME: Saving Us

The Husband and I have been together for eight years (on New Year's Day).  Only two (and some months) of that have we actually been married.  Those who know our story, know that we rode a roller coaster that should never be ridden before finally getting off at the marriage stop.  We went through things that end friendships, relationships, and marriages.  It wasn't always easy.  Many days (weeks and months) were touch and go.  Needless to say, we survived it, and we haven't killed each other yet.

Knowing the crazy we've been through it always takes me by surprise when couples reach out to us for support and advice.  This happens quite often.  Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops, "We are the total wrong people to ask!  We clearly have no idea what we are doing!  Have you watched these last eight years!?!"  Then another part of me feels like we have so much to offer because we have survived the world of betrayal, deceit, hurt, and the hardest... forgiveness.

However, our solution is not one everyone is ready and willing to make.  It has been one of (painful at times) personal growth, and it has been such an overwhelming spiritual journey for us both.  But I have been feeling very called to write this blog lately as so many people in our lives seem to need to hear our journey.

I want to preface this by saying, that not all relationships are "meant to be".  I do not condone abuse or mistreatment.  If you are not married, and these are issues you are facing then I will always recommend getting out.  I also want to say that I believe in marriage.  If you have made the commitment to be married, I believe that both parties should be committed to making it work.  If they are not, then my experience will not be helpful.  My personal experience is of two people who were willing to put in the work, and quite frankly, too prideful to give up.  But at no time in our journey have either of us put the other one in any physical danger.  This is simply something that requires professional help.

The Husband and I met in a single parents group.  We began talking and getting to know each other.  It seemed there was some interest on both parts after hanging out.  So we kicked our relationship off with a bang.  Eight years ago, on New Year's Eve, I went to work and Hubs went out with some of our other single parent friends.  He kissed another girl at midnight, and then asked me on a date the next day.  There was no real commitment so I ignored the red flags and let it slide.  We decided on New Year's Day to be a couple.  That same day we both left our date to plans we had already made with our exes.  He headed off to ski, and I headed to Oklahoma.  So here we are, one day into this "relationship" and we both were not exactly faithful on these trips.  What a way to start things off, huh?!?

This set the preface for the next stage in our relationship.  A lot of secrets, lies, dating other people, hurting each other, and always always always coming back together for more of the same torture.  I wish I had a real answer as to why we continued this pattern, and even more so, I wish I had an answer for why we kept trying.  It was so frustrating and confusing at the time.  I honestly felt like my heart was betraying me by loving him.  In all honesty, I wouldn't recommend that ANYONE stay in a situation like this.  It was detrimental to both of us emotionally, and the healing process took a long time.  After all, trust is not easily rebuilt.

I know it sounds like this was a complete tortuous time for us.  So I hope it goes without saying that in between all of this we had so many good times.  It's hard to leave when the good is REALLY GOOD.  

To complicate things even more we had children involved that we loved dearly.  To walk away would have hurt so many.  So one day we decided that leaving wasn't an option.  We knew something had to change so we started in the places we knew how.  We took leaving off the table.  It was no longer an option.  However, we couldn't continue to function in the selfish ways we were both so accustomed.  It simply wasn't fair to anyone involved.  I don't think either of us really knew what we were doing or what we even needed to do.  But we sure weren't quitting.

Now, when you get to the point that you are wide open and ready for change but you really aren't sure where to go it's like God gets so giddy up there in Heaven.  Both separately and together God took opportunities to reach into our open hearts.  And I swear to you the transformation was visible not only to us but to others around us.  Through His work we both realized that it was no longer about us.  He focused our attention to Him and we began to seek His plan for us and our family.  

I'll be honest, we are still new at this whole putting God first thing.  We are only a few years in, and it's hard!  Old habits aren't easy to kick, and there are times it's so easy to fall back into spewing hateful words or belittling each other.  I do have to admit, Hubby is much better than I am at maintaining his focus.  I'm always quicker to anger or just become irritated.  (Husband has the patience of a saint.)  But the complete dynamic of our relationship is different.  

I know that not everyone is ready to hand their relationship over to God.  I'm a complete control freak so I get it!  It's hard to say, "Here God, I know you've got this."  But it's really the only answer I have to how Husband and I have become "that couple".  There is security in being loved by a man who loves God more than he loves me.  There is comfort in being in a marriage where you know you are being prayed for every single day.  And there is complete and utter bliss in knowing and believing from the bottom of my heart that when we decided leaving was no longer an option, that it now means for eternity.  I literally will spend FOREVER with my husband.  That totally blows my mind!  (And it's probably a good thing I have so long to get it right.)

I can suggest making your relationship a priority over your kids.  I can suggest date nights, love notes, sweet texts, and making sex a priority.  Those are all things that I believe in 110%.  But those aren't the reason my marriage is what it is.  Those are just the bonuses!

So at the end of the day here is my advice... if you are single, establish your relationship with God.  Seek a Godly man, and do not waiver in this.  (It's much easier to start on the right track.)  If you are in a relationship, make a commitment to make God your priority.  It can start off as simple as attending church together.  Baby steps are still steps.  And if you are married... it's hard.  Marriage is so hard.  So you have to work even harder.  Seek help from a trusted friend or counselor who is also a believer.  Pray for your marriage and ask others to also.  But making this change where your relationship is God centered is an absolute priority.  Your marriage is your ministry.  Nurture it as such.

Hubby and I are always honored to pray for your relationship or marriage.  We hope that we can serve as a Godly couple in your life as these relationships are important to have.  If there is something we can do, please let us know.  

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."  - Ecclesiastes 4:12

I'm Not A Good Wife...

... Not that this comes as a surprise to anyone, especially my husband!  

Someone posted this little treasure on CafeMom.  I found it to be both inspiring and depressing at the same time.  Check it out!

Now don't get me wrong.  I'd love to be this kind of wife.  But if I'm being really honest, I hate cleaning, there are some days I don't feel like smiling, and if I have a problem or complaint he's probably already gotten a text about it.  (Thank you modern technology.)  I feel sure that my husband can grab a beer from the fridge on his way in the door if he needs a cold drink, and you can guarantee that if he stays out all night, I sure as heck am going to complain (and yell and possibly throw things) about it!  (Unless this has been planned in advance.)

Here I've spent the first six months of my marriage (and many years before that) trying to get this Proverbs 31 wife thing down, which I'm gracefully failing at.  I'm trying to be submissive and obedient... again, quite a challenge for me.  There is no way I could throw all this in the mix!

The only thing I really have down is that I know my place... right in my husband's arms knowing that whatever chaos and dose of crazy he's walked into, there is no where he'd rather be.  

Boy am I lucky!  I think I just might put a ribbon in my hair before my man walks in the door tonight!

TransparentME - Sex & Healing

"If you don't check your baggage at the foot of the cross, the enemy will deliver it to your doorstep one day."  When Vicki Courtney spoke those words at the dotMOM Conference this past February, I knew what my baggage was.  I knew it was baggage that had already been delivered and unpacked as if it were here to stay.  But hearing her say it out loud was just what I needed to realize it was time to pack my baggage up and send it straight to the foot of the cross.

Throughout the conference a common theme kept rearing it's ugly head.  "Share your struggles."  "Open up about who YOU are."  "Be transparent."  I talked to my husband about this when I got back, and we decided that maybe it would help in my process of healing as well as maybe helping someone else out there.  (So this will be the first of probably many very personal blog posts.)  I knew that at some point the time would come to share my story, and this past week right in my face Single Dad Laughing posted a blog that one again said, "Okay Jessica, it's time to share."

So here I am.  Wide open.  Transparent.  In a place that I really don't feel comfortable being.  All in the name of healing and hoping that my words may lead others to accept their imperfections and embrace Jesus.  

I have given birth to two children, ages 9 and 3.  I have been a wife for 6 months.  "What's that you say?!?"  "You had children out of wedlock."  Not a second thought for many, but a "mistake" in my family which equaled gut wrenching guilt for me.  My parents were virgins when they got married.  This was common knowledge.  So at 16 when I began having sex, I can say without a doubt that my actions were a disappointment.  

From these little tid bits of information you can gather on your own that I had sex more times than I "should" have before I was married.  For me it started with a first love, carried on through surviving depression (an entire blog will have to be dedicated to that battle), and ended with marrying my husband.

For almost 14 years, I had sex.  For almost 14 years, I felt guilt after each and every time.  I had not been raised this way.  This was not what I believed was okay in my heart.  Sure, it made me temporarily feel better... wanted... beautiful... important... successful... you get the idea.  (No, I don't have Daddy Issues.  I have Mental Illness Issues.)  But it always ended in guilt. 

Naturally I assumed that when I married my husband these feelings of guilt would go away.  Then I would be able to have great sex and not feel guilty about it!  I was so excited for this because I couldn't stand the guilt.  And I'm sure my husband (then boyfriend/fiance) couldn't stand the conversations of how "we shouldn't be doing this" the morning after what he perceived to be (and what really was) a great night.

When I got married these feelings did not go away.  It was awful.  Here I was married to the most wonderful man.  A man who adores me.  And I feel guilty about making love to my husband.  I knew then that my issues were bigger than just "needing to be married".  I had 14 years of guilt that I had not gotten on my knees and begged for forgiveness for.  

As this awakening happened, I began realizing that it was going to take me sucking it up and going to God.  It was also going to take me saying a big ol', "I was wrong, God."  And well, that was hard for me.  The thought of my past and all I had to be forgiven for seemed overwhelming.  A lot of sexual immorality can happen in 14 years, and just thinking of it would make my eyes fill with tears and regret.  But I knew that a time was coming when I would have to face it.  My husband deserved all of me, and my Jesus certainly deserved all of me.  Neither one of them was getting 100% from me, and that was all because of a barrier I was creating in those relationships.  

I really never expected the dotMOM Conference would be life changing for me.  I expected to learn new things, and I did.  I expected to be inspired, and I was.  But I didn't expect to be a blubbering, crying mess, with my arms in the air, begging Jesus to forgive me.  And that's what I was.  (And I'm not a pretty crier.)  I had heard Vicki Courtney speak, and it was like it all just opened up for me.  It all made sense.  It was my time for forgiveness.  Then I was blessed to hear Blake and Ronique Wilson speak on Sex and Marriage (at the same conference), and I learned so much about who I was created to be as my husband's sexual partner and how that is all blessed by God.  Yes, God placed me right where He knew I needed to be that weekend.

I can honestly say, I have never felt so free in my entire life.  And that feeling has continued from that day forward.  I no longer feel as if I don't belong in a church.  I no longer feel that I have nothing to offer my husband, and that I have given the best parts of me away.  I no longer feel worthless and shamed.  (All feelings I placed on myself.)  I now look at myself and feel worthy and proud of who I am.  I know that my faith has never been so strong and unwavering.  And with my husband... well, I will always wish he was my first and only lover.  But our relationship is so much deeper and more intimate now.  I no longer keep him at arms length, and this crazy thing has happened... EVERY TIME after we make love, I pray and thank God for allowing us to have that time and that intimacy together.  It may sound strange, but words of thankfulness just flow from my heart because I know what a blessing it is.

I still look at people who have casual sex (not in relationships at all) and wonder how it never bothers them.  Why was this something that weighed so heavy on my heart and made me feel unworthy of sitting in the church pews when others could do it without a second l thought?  That part, I still don't know.  Maybe I never will.  Lucky them?!?  Maybe... But I'm thankful for the heaviness it weighed on my heart because that redemption brought me closer to my Heavenly Father.

Jesus carried my baggage to the cross.  I'm not sure why I went and picked it back up.  Nor am I sure of why it took me so long to return it.  But He's got it from here.

The Wedding

Pictures have been in for awhile now, and I have totally slacked on sharing them on here!  I wanted to post enough of them to sum up the day, so here goes!  

Photography:
Crystal DeAnda Photography
http://crystaldeanda.com/
Crystal is fabulously sweet and wonderful in every way!  She made us feel so beautiful, and we are thrilled with how well the pictures turned out!  I hope you enjoy them!

My wedding band.  Passed down to be from my Granddaddy.  It was his mother's wedding band.

Leaving the reception!

Special moments before the ceremony!

Praying with our sweet children and pastor.

So glad to be spending the rest of my life walking hand in hand with this amazing man of God.

Venue:
MD Resort
www.mdresort.com
MD Resort is the sweetest coziest little bed and breakfast.  We used them for the venue and catering.  They were so helpful and kind.  They were willing to go out of their way to make sure everything I wanted happened.  We enjoyed our stay there, and we look forward to going back on our first anniversary!  It was definitely the perfect venue for our rustic chic wedding!

Ceremony site - Pecan Orchard.
The reception was held in the Party Barn.

Decorations:
DIY
We did all of our decorating on our own!  Most of the crafty fabulous things that you see were done by my super talented Aunt Lisa.  A huge thanks to my mom, sister, and dad who also helped make everything we needed!  It was a little stressful going the DIY route, but it was oh so fun!

These are quilts that my Nanny has made for all of us.

Ceremony Music:

Jack Baldwin
Jack is a member of our church.  My desire was to have Canon in D played with only an acoustic guitar with the Bridal Chorus and Wedding March also with only the guitar.  He did a fantastic job making this dream come true!














Reception Music:
Melodies & Memories
http://melmemdj.com
Melody is super talented and is using her God given talents being a DJ!  She was the perfect fit for our crowd, as I imagine that she is for any group.  We loved every moment of having her with us.  I would recommend her for any wedding or event because she was just that fun and that great at what she does!  She truly completed the night!

Party Favors:
DIY
My Aunt Lisa & Nanny were oh so sweet to make little jars of jelly for all of my guests!  It was the perfect touch!




 
















Flowers:
Celebrations by Judy
www.celebrationsbyjudy.com
Us finding Judy was truly God's work.  She was so helpful and kind.  She was more than willing to work within our budget, never trying to sell us more than we needed.  She saw my vision and helped make it a reality.  

Cake:
Too Sweeties Bake Shoppe
www.toosweeties.com
My dear friend, Jennifer, runs Too Sweeties Bake Shoppe!  She makes the yummiest cakes and cupcakes.  She made me a beautiful lace wedding cake that tasted amazing!  Her cakes never disappoint!

Pies:
The Flour Shop Bakery
www.ilovetheflourshopbakery.com
This great little bakery is not far from us in Highland Village, TX.  This was our first time to get pies from there, and they were fantastic.  The price was great and the pies were even better!  

 

 And now we are living our happily ever after!

Just One Night

Josh and I had planned to go out of town this weekend to a benefit in Oklahoma.  Unfortunately, Josh could not find someone to work for him in time for us to be able to still attend.  At the last minute he was able to find someone to work for him so we planned to go camping.  Our back up plan seemed like a good one, and we were excited.  After all, we hadn't had a single minute alone since our wedding night.  

Anyone who has children probably already knows how this story goes.  Yep, our kids schedule changed, and that nixed our plans!  So here we are... married for two weeks... our first chance to get some time together... and wham, it's not going to happen!

Both of us had already taken the time off work so we agreed to just go ahead and keep the days off.  After all, we had a zillion in one things to do.  (Like get my name changed, a task I've been avoiding... but that's another story.)  We spent day one doing some house stuff and taking care of the kiddos (the reason for the change in plans to begin with), and tomorrow we will go forward with our plans to get everything else done.

On one hand, it's a good thing that we didn't get to go anywhere because we did have stuff that needed to get done here.  Stuff that will lift a huge weight off my shoulders when it is finally done.  On the other hand, it is so frustrating that we haven't had any time together.  Is it really too much to ask that we get just one night alone together?!?  It makes me wish we would have just sucked it up and went on a honeymoon for a week right after the wedding.  But we didn't because we didn't want to leave the kids in the middle of all that's going on right now.  

I love my kids, and I'm grateful for every moment with them.  But right now I'd really like just one night with my husband (with no child in between us).  Maybe next year... for our anniversary... if our kids' schedules allow it.

Here Comes the Bride

I can't believe it!  I'm getting married in 90 days!  It may seem a little obsessive to count the days, but we have been together for over 5 1/2 years.  And we've been discussing getting married for the majority of that time.  Now that the timing is right to finally take a moment for ourselves, I couldn't be more excited!

You would think that anticipating this day for (literally) years would mean we have everything in order and know just what we want.  Well, here we are... 90 days to go... and still so many decisions to be made!  It seems overwhelming at times and blissfully fun at other times.  I only hope that I can hang on to each and every moment as the process unfolds so that some day down the road as Josh and I sit in our front porch, watching our grandchildren play, we can look back and reminisce on the adventure that started it all!

Flower Girl Dress

We have started our premarital counseling.  (For lack of better words.)  We have a wonderful mentor couple, and I feel we are well on our journey to a marriage that includes God, Josh, and myself.  I am currently praying that I will be able to fulfill my role as an obedient and submissive wife, letting Josh lead our family.  These will be true tests for me and will require daily prayer and guidance from God.

We know where the wedding is going to be and what theme we are going with!  We have chosen my dress, invitations, flower girl dresses, and food!  We have spent countless hours debating cakes, pies, decorations, attire, photographers, etc.  Tonight we will tackle the final cake design (after baseball is over, of course).  Follow me on Pinterest to see my rather chaotic obsession with pinning wedding ideas.  You will also get an idea of the feel that we are taking with things!  (Or you can visit our wedding website!)


It's never ceases to amaze me that I can spend hours thinking about wedding details and ideas.  However, when I lay down at night all I can think about is how completely and utterly incredible it will be to finally be Mrs. Joshua Marick.  The thought of waking up everyday, sharing every moment, and loving each other into eternity brings peace to my soul.  And in those moments, I'm able to realize that it doesn't matter what shoes I wear or how I fix my hair... at the end of the day, I will be married to my best friend!