TransparentME - Sex & Healing

"If you don't check your baggage at the foot of the cross, the enemy will deliver it to your doorstep one day."  When Vicki Courtney spoke those words at the dotMOM Conference this past February, I knew what my baggage was.  I knew it was baggage that had already been delivered and unpacked as if it were here to stay.  But hearing her say it out loud was just what I needed to realize it was time to pack my baggage up and send it straight to the foot of the cross.

Throughout the conference a common theme kept rearing it's ugly head.  "Share your struggles."  "Open up about who YOU are."  "Be transparent."  I talked to my husband about this when I got back, and we decided that maybe it would help in my process of healing as well as maybe helping someone else out there.  (So this will be the first of probably many very personal blog posts.)  I knew that at some point the time would come to share my story, and this past week right in my face Single Dad Laughing posted a blog that one again said, "Okay Jessica, it's time to share."

So here I am.  Wide open.  Transparent.  In a place that I really don't feel comfortable being.  All in the name of healing and hoping that my words may lead others to accept their imperfections and embrace Jesus.  

I have given birth to two children, ages 9 and 3.  I have been a wife for 6 months.  "What's that you say?!?"  "You had children out of wedlock."  Not a second thought for many, but a "mistake" in my family which equaled gut wrenching guilt for me.  My parents were virgins when they got married.  This was common knowledge.  So at 16 when I began having sex, I can say without a doubt that my actions were a disappointment.  

From these little tid bits of information you can gather on your own that I had sex more times than I "should" have before I was married.  For me it started with a first love, carried on through surviving depression (an entire blog will have to be dedicated to that battle), and ended with marrying my husband.

For almost 14 years, I had sex.  For almost 14 years, I felt guilt after each and every time.  I had not been raised this way.  This was not what I believed was okay in my heart.  Sure, it made me temporarily feel better... wanted... beautiful... important... successful... you get the idea.  (No, I don't have Daddy Issues.  I have Mental Illness Issues.)  But it always ended in guilt. 

Naturally I assumed that when I married my husband these feelings of guilt would go away.  Then I would be able to have great sex and not feel guilty about it!  I was so excited for this because I couldn't stand the guilt.  And I'm sure my husband (then boyfriend/fiance) couldn't stand the conversations of how "we shouldn't be doing this" the morning after what he perceived to be (and what really was) a great night.

When I got married these feelings did not go away.  It was awful.  Here I was married to the most wonderful man.  A man who adores me.  And I feel guilty about making love to my husband.  I knew then that my issues were bigger than just "needing to be married".  I had 14 years of guilt that I had not gotten on my knees and begged for forgiveness for.  

As this awakening happened, I began realizing that it was going to take me sucking it up and going to God.  It was also going to take me saying a big ol', "I was wrong, God."  And well, that was hard for me.  The thought of my past and all I had to be forgiven for seemed overwhelming.  A lot of sexual immorality can happen in 14 years, and just thinking of it would make my eyes fill with tears and regret.  But I knew that a time was coming when I would have to face it.  My husband deserved all of me, and my Jesus certainly deserved all of me.  Neither one of them was getting 100% from me, and that was all because of a barrier I was creating in those relationships.  

I really never expected the dotMOM Conference would be life changing for me.  I expected to learn new things, and I did.  I expected to be inspired, and I was.  But I didn't expect to be a blubbering, crying mess, with my arms in the air, begging Jesus to forgive me.  And that's what I was.  (And I'm not a pretty crier.)  I had heard Vicki Courtney speak, and it was like it all just opened up for me.  It all made sense.  It was my time for forgiveness.  Then I was blessed to hear Blake and Ronique Wilson speak on Sex and Marriage (at the same conference), and I learned so much about who I was created to be as my husband's sexual partner and how that is all blessed by God.  Yes, God placed me right where He knew I needed to be that weekend.

I can honestly say, I have never felt so free in my entire life.  And that feeling has continued from that day forward.  I no longer feel as if I don't belong in a church.  I no longer feel that I have nothing to offer my husband, and that I have given the best parts of me away.  I no longer feel worthless and shamed.  (All feelings I placed on myself.)  I now look at myself and feel worthy and proud of who I am.  I know that my faith has never been so strong and unwavering.  And with my husband... well, I will always wish he was my first and only lover.  But our relationship is so much deeper and more intimate now.  I no longer keep him at arms length, and this crazy thing has happened... EVERY TIME after we make love, I pray and thank God for allowing us to have that time and that intimacy together.  It may sound strange, but words of thankfulness just flow from my heart because I know what a blessing it is.

I still look at people who have casual sex (not in relationships at all) and wonder how it never bothers them.  Why was this something that weighed so heavy on my heart and made me feel unworthy of sitting in the church pews when others could do it without a second l thought?  That part, I still don't know.  Maybe I never will.  Lucky them?!?  Maybe... But I'm thankful for the heaviness it weighed on my heart because that redemption brought me closer to my Heavenly Father.

Jesus carried my baggage to the cross.  I'm not sure why I went and picked it back up.  Nor am I sure of why it took me so long to return it.  But He's got it from here.