Disney Dad

I've been doing some research on why children with unmarried parents prefer to live with their fathers.  Basically I've been curious to whether it's a gender preference, an age thing, etc.  Obviously this is not always the case, kids wanting to live with their dads, that is.  But in our home it is, so I wanted to know why.  That's just how I function.  I have to know the why... the science... whatever behind it.  Not that I don't believe my children or trust their feelings, but I know research has been done on this so I was curious to what it said.  So I've read everything I can find.  Scientific research, op ed pieces, web forums... you name it, I've read it!

As I begin to look into this, an alarming trend appeared from women.  (Mostly in web forums, but also some op ed pieces as well.)  Women claimed over and over again their child only wanted to live with their ex because their ex was what many refer to us a "Disney Dad" or "Uncle Dad".  This meaning, the dad is just around for the fun and not the actual parenting.  This infuriated me for many reasons so I'm putting it out there in the world that this girl right here (one biological and step mom) thinks women believing this might actually be fooling themselves instead of just accepting the fact that their child's needs are changing.  I'll use my home as my example.

My step son comes here to visit.  The visitation my husband was given was 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends; Thursdays during the school year; 30 days during summer in addition to weekends; school holidays rotating each year.  So starting off the courts have set dad's up to have children during "quality time" periods.  These are generally times when the father and children do not have work or school obligations as frequently.  Thus, creating the perception that dad only does the fun stuff.  Well, court system and ladies, we've set it up to be this way.  It has been proven that the non-custodial parent actually has more "quality time" with the child than the custodial parent in custody situations such as ours.  Most of the hours the child has in the custodial household are spent sleeping and at school.  Once you add in homework, dinner, and extra curricular activities your "quality time" has been lost in the day to day life.  But remember, this arrangement is what you wanted.

Camping with the girls while J-Man was making memories
with his Mom over Memorial Day weekend!

Now to dispel the myth that all that happens at the non-custodial house is fun and play.  Well, maybe in some homes, but not in ours (or anyone that I know).  We have lives just like the rest of you.  We have a marriage and other children.  We have a world that was spinning while we didn't have my step son here.  It did not stop when he left our home to await his return.  And when he does return each time there are still toys to be picked up, practices to attend, church obligations, and yep... date nights or alone time that don't involve any of our kids.  

Oh, and those weekday visits (including the summer).  Well, we still have to go to work.  It's funny how that goes.  I will say in our home, we are very fortunate.  The kids are cared for by their grandparents in our absence.  Their routine does not differ.  Also, my husband and I have flexible work schedules.  So the children are never left more than a few hours at a time and a maximum of four days a week.  However, that has nothing to do with my step son's visitation schedule.  This is the life we chose because we have three children who need us to be present in their lives.  

Sometimes being a "good dad" means
throwing batting practice!

In addition to us working year round, the school year brings extra challenges because you add in homework and earlier bed times.  This lessens the amount of "fun" time that anyone is having.  And usually means that this mom is counting the minutes until bedtime due to pure exhaustion.

I know it may seem ideal and be easier on the hearts of mom's around the world to think that dad's house is all fun and games.  And I'd imagine that sometimes it really is more fun.  But that's not because dad is trying to one up you.  He's simply being himself.  Research has shown that dad's play more frequently with their children.  Dad's do parenting differently.  It's taken me a long time to realize this (okay, so I'm still working on it), but this is okay and *gasp* good for the children!

My research has nothing to do with this topic, but I just couldn't read another post by some mom about how her child only wanted to live with dad because he was a "Disney Dad".  It made me feel all defensive.  And in full disclosure, my husband has never been accused of this
by his ex so it's not even personal.  More so it just irritated me for father's everywhere.  

And sometimes being a "good dad" means time alone
with Mama!  

I've noticed a huge movement by father's trying to prove they are just as vital as mother's.  Research has backed this up time and time again.  As women we have to support this notion that they matter just as much as mother's do.  Someday our son's will grow up, and we live in a fallen world.  They may find themselves in circumstances which require them to defend their ability to parent equally.  If we are not paving the way for them to have this opportunity now, then we are doing them an injustice.  

My step son wants to live with his dad.  And I may not understand all the reasoning behind it, but there is one thing that is for certain... it's not because he's a "Disney Dad".  Let's stop using that as our defense and start looking at the million other reasons research and our children are telling us might possibly be the case.

Struggles of Being a Step Mom - It's a Fine Line

One of the hardest parts of being a step parent (or having a blended family) is when you disagree with choices that the "other parent" is making.  It is a constant struggle of stepping back and allowing them to parent how they see fit and protecting your child.  Often it is a fine line that can be easily crossed.  So we try to remind ourselves often that we are not perfect parents.  Our heavenly Father is the only perfect parent there is, and it is Him that we should let judge how we've handled the task that he's entrusted us with... the task of parenting.  

Lately, we've had many struggles with the "other parent" in our situation.  It started when my step son started telling us he wanted to live here.  I think deep down all of us knew that day would eventually come, but I will admit that we were all surprised that it came so soon.  

Let me get off track here by saying that we've always felt it would be in my step son's best interest to be with us.  While his mother has done better in parenting the last nine months, she is still way to preoccupied with things that don't involve being a parent.  Her improvements seem to be based entirely upon not wanting us to do something that she doesn't do.  While her mimicking our parenting style has been beneficial to my step son, it is obvious to all of us (including him) that she isn't doing it because it's what she feels called to do.  She is doing it because she is desperately trying to keep up with his life here.  And in all fairness, she can't possibly come close to doing that.  We live different lifestyles.  We make different choices.  We have entirely different situations.  When she learns to embrace those differences she will have the relationship with my step son that she's struggling to hold on to.  

That leads me back into him wanting to live here.  It made sense to us.  It made sense to him.  He wanted more time with his dad.  He would have it.  He wanted to have his dad coach his sports teams.  That would be possible.  (It isn't currently possible due to the 45 minute drive that lies between us.)  He is a smart kid who needs to be challenged.  Our home school performs very well academically and has great programs for kids like him.  He wants someone to be home when he gets home from school.  Someone is always here.  With every reason that he had for wanting to be with us we were able to say, "Okay.  We can do that."  Because those were just normal things in our every day lives.  So after much prayer, thought, consideration, and playing devil's advocate we sat down to talk to her.  And of course, she said no.  Understandable because that's her child.  Baffling because she is denying her child of something that he wants and that would be in his best interest.  She had no argument against it being the better place for him.  She simply didn't think he was old enough to make that decision.  While I disagree (because children understand far more than we think), she is old enough to make that decision.  She is old enough to look at all the factors and look at it objectively.  Willing?  Obviously not.  Capable?  Certainly.  

While her "no" to him living here was frustrating and disheartening, we moved forward.  After all, we could lay our heads down at night knowing we had done what was best for him.  She would lay down each night knowing her son wanted to be somewhere else.  Her cross to bear.  Our hearts were at peace other than feeling broken and helpless for my step son.  

My step son was quite bummed at his mother's decision.  Just yesterday I found him in his room sitting all alone.  When I inquired about what was on his mind he replied, "I just really wish I could live here."  So after a discussion on just really enjoying the time he had here and praying that God would touch his mom's heart to truly listen to his desires, we moved on.  However, since finding out about his mother saying no he has asked repeatedly to still play sports out here with his dad.  While this makes our lives quite complex, we could not possibly say no.  Not when his desires were so clear.  So we asked her about this.  Again, she said no.

In addition to her not wanting him to play sports out here she has gradually began taking away time that she had never before wanted or requested.  An odd thing to do when you know your child is wanting more time with the other parent.  We came to the conclusion that this wasn't about my step son.  It never really was.  It is about her having control, and her desperate attempt to hang on to what she has left of it.  It is about her realizing that the more time he spends here, the more he wants to be here permanently.  It appears that by taking away some of his time here she is attempting to create the opposite effect.  Less time with dad.  Less desire to live with dad.  

At this point we became angry.  Her selfish decisions and attempts to hurt us have done nothing but hurt the child she should so desperately try to protect.  She is not thinking of her child, she is thinking of her own selfish desires.  And while we are extremely sympathetic to her wanting to hang on to every moment she can with him (knowing that as he continues to get older he will want to be with his dad more), she has never cited that as a reason for these decisions.  Because that we can understand.  So we are left with, "He's not old enough to make that decision," and, "We can show him how to be an adult better than you can."

And that leads me here... we recently found out some information about her husband.  Some very unsettling information.  Finding out that she moved a married man into her home and then married him three months after his divorce (rebound?!?) and finding out he has a criminal history so this married man she moved into her home also came with a past and probation.  All mere weeks after meeting him online with a small child in her home.  

So this is where that fine line of things really becomes hard not to cross.  We are not upset with this man for his past.  We all have one.  His past is not ours to judge.  We believe that people deserve second chances, and that after being properly rehabilitated (fulfilling your entire probation/parole/counseling/etc.) you should be given that chance.  Our issue is with that fact that one, she never mentioned this to us.  Granted, she wasn't required to give us notice of this by the courts or anything, but after we've been so forthcoming with her it is disappointing to see she hasn't done the same for us.  Secondly, she brought this man into her home... my step son's home.  This wasn't a decision that only affected her.  This was a decision that affected a child.  What if she was wrong about this man she'd met online and only known a matter of weeks?  Did that thought cross her mind?  What about the fact that he was married?  What kind of example did that set?  Is that how she is going to show him how to be an adult?  Moving someone else's husband into her home... Again, the fine line between protecting our child and allowing her to parent as she sees fit.  

We are not perfect parents.  I cannot possibly express that enough.  We make mistakes.  Probably more than most.  We do selfish things.  We lose our patience.  We definitely have a long way to go before we'll be winning any awards.  But we try hard.  And I think that's why this situation has been so unsettling for us.  We aren't sure what to do.  While they are free to live their life as they see fit, we have strong feelings about the type of man we want my step son to grow up to be, and they aren't providing that example.  

At this point our hands are somewhat tied.  We will continue to do our best to protect him from the life that's been chosen for him at his mother's house.  And we will continue to be the best parents we can be.  All while walking this fine line.  Sometimes crossing it.  Sometimes rocking the boat more than we should.  Sometimes pouring out the raw truth and causing hurt feelings.  But all the time doing what we feel is in the best interest of the precious boy that we love so much.  

Struggles of Being a Step Mom - Background Story

The past couple of days have been doozies in Step Mom Land.  My patience has been tried, my nerves have been frazzled, and my ability to be pleasant is quickly fading.  Now don't get me wrong... I love my step son, Jacob.  In fact, I don't care for the word "step" at all.  (I assume most blended families probably feel the same way.)  When we refer to our family, our children, we never use the world "step".  He is my son.  He is the brother of my children.  I would do anything for him, just as I would my children.  

So a little background... I met Jacob shortly before he turned 3 years old.  He has always had what I consider to be "quirks".  Some I feel need to be looked into professionally, others I feel are a direct result of primarily living with his mother.  This theory continues to be proven the more I'm around him.  

Anyway, his mother has never wanted me to be with Josh.  I don't take this personally because I think she would feel this way about any girl that he would have been serious about after her.  I just happened to be the first one.  When I first met Josh he had 50/50 custody of Jacob.  There was no court order.  Shortly after we met he was in an accident and could not care for himself much less Jacob.  He began to have him less (for obvious reasons) and after much discussion we felt it would be best for Jacob's future to not be passed back and forth so much as he got older and started school.  A court order was made giving her primary physical custody.  However, Josh blindly signed it (stupid on his part) and gave up more time than he should have.  At the time his mom had no life except Jacob.  She appeared to be very into all that being a mother entailed so this seemed like an okay decision.  

Hindsight is 20/20, and we now realize giving up 50/50 custody was mistake number one.  Josh not showing an attorney (or me for that matter) that court order before he signed it was mistake number two.  So currently we are left with a court order that gives Josh less than standard visitation, and a mother who seems to have lost interest in being a mom.  

Jacob currently lives with his mother most of the time, his step-dad, and two of his five children. When he is not there, he is with us.  Me, Josh, and our daughters, Lexie and Hadlie.  Needless to say he has two very extreme home lives, and as he goes back and forth so does his personality.  


Over the four and a half years I have known him, I have had several concerns.  Jacob is extremely shy and withdrawn.  He struggles making friends, and often chooses children to play with who are bullies and do not treat him kindly.  When playing with children his own age, often times he is very awkward in his interactions.  However, he is able to play fine with Lexie.  I attribute that to the great amount of time they spend together.  I can only assume he is probably able to interact "normally" with his other step-siblings as well.  Jacob thrives in a routine (and I mean that in a more extreme way than saying my two year old thrives in a routine).  He likes his toys lined up.  He plugs his ears at loud noises.  He walks on his toes (at age seven).  I could go on and on, but you get the idea.


I do not write these things to in any way degrade or devalue Jacob.  I write them to express where we are coming from.  To express our struggle... our small victories along the way.  I spend countless hours with him when he is with me battling each of these things one step at a time.  And I am proud to say we have seen tremendous progress.  Especially over the summer when we had him for an extended period of time.  However, our biggest struggle is his mother and the environment she provides for him.


Now anyone who knows me knows my obsession with my children.  Everything I do is for them.  I'm the overprotective, over involved, over indulgent... you get the idea... mom.  Jacob's mother is more of the passive type parent.  She is the "If his grades are good and he is fed, what does it really matter if his clothes fit right" type of mom.  I'm sure they'll be more details about my experiences with her at another time.  So hopefully you get the point... polar opposites.


Over the years I've gone back and forth on my involvement in Jacob's life.  Is it better to try to be involved or not be involved?  Is it better to walk away and just let him be the kid that visits on the weekend?  Is it too hard on him to bring him back and forth when he is so used to his mom's way of doing things?  Perhaps we should back out all together and let him be there and us stay out of things?  Perhaps we should try to get custody?  Maybe at the end of the day we really just don't know what to do... and that's pretty much where we have been left.  We realize that it's a struggle at times.  Being a part of his life is definitely not the easy way out.  It's not easy for us or for him, and it's probably not easy on his mom either.  


So moving on... over the summer we had Jacob for a month.  During that time provided Jacob the opportunity to be in many "growth" type situations, and I am proud to say that he thrived!  He went from completely shutting down when adults talked to him to being able to be a greeter at my granddad's 80th birthday party.  He went from playing around and talking in his Kung Fu class to being one of the top students.  He went from being withdrawn and scared of confrontation to being able to speak up when he doesn't like something or has an opinion that he wants to share.  All in all, huge victories for just 30 days of time together.  So you can imagine how excited I was when he came back for the weekend this past Friday and all of these positive behaviors continued.  (I expected regression from being at his mom's.)  On top of that the confirmation from other who had noticed progress in Jacob had me just elated!


So here it is Monday.  Jacob is at his mom's house, and we have been texting/talking back and forth throughout the day.  And what happens??  My Kung Fu star... my child who spent his exercise time each morning practicing his Kung Fu... the boy who was willing to give up swimming to go to Kung Fu, tells me that he doesn't want to go today.  He wants to have family time at his mom's.  Immediately I knew something was up.  First of all, why should this have been a choice?  He made the commitment to be in the class.  There should be no discussion of whether or not he wants to go.  His mother should just see to it that he goes.  Secondly, like I stated before, he loves Kung Fu.  What has prompted him to decide he wants family time instead of going to class?  Needless to say I'm baffled.  So I talk to him and tell him that I'm sad he decided not to go, and I'm disappointed that he's choosing not to stick to his commitment.  Conversations I know won't be had at his current location.  Then I follow it up with a text letting him know I love him and that I'm not mad at him.  


But I am mad... I'm furious.  Furious at his mother.  I know that's where the problem started.  After all, he was given the choice of going or not going.  Parenting mistake number one.  And to be honest, I have no doubt it was presented in a way that hinted she did not want to go or that she would provide an alternate "more fun" activity.  Because the bottom line is, she's lazy.  


More than anything I'm bothered because I realize that all of the progress we made this summer is only progress here.  My precious boy who has grown so much has only grown so much here.  He may stand up to me and his father, but he is still afraid of his mother.  Still afraid to tell her what he really wants.  He still claims her desires as his own all in an effort to please her.  I doubt she notices or that she cares as long as she is not bothered.  That's just how she is.


So after much conversation and Josh putting a little pressure on, the situation was resolved... at least the Kung Fu part.  Jacob ended up going.  And his mom is officially watching for the 2nd time.  As for getting him to stand up to his mom, stick to his commitments, etc... well, that will require more work.  


It's been a long weekend... yesterday her parents and today her.  Sadly, I see no end in sight.  It's a good thing I love this kid and his dad because I'm a girl with low tolerance and little patience.  Well, that's all for today.  Kudos to you if you stuck with it.  More on "Struggles of Being a Step Mom" later!!