Parenting in the Valley

This season of life has been such a mixture of emotions.  While I am relishing in the joy of being Cooper's Mama, I am feeling more defeated than ever when it comes to giving the proper attention to my other children.  Especially my third little love, who admittedly has been always my biggest parenting challenge.

I see the sadness in her eyes daily when she has to crawl out of my lap so Cooper can crawl in.  I feel her heartbreak when I'm too quick in snapping at her for not being careful enough around the baby.  I sense her desire to find her place, to please me, and most of all have my full and undivided attention.  And my heart is breaking too... Knowing I'm failing her every single day, seeing the hurt in her beautiful blue eyes.

I know God gave me these particular children with these particular needs and personalities, yet I'm not meeting those needs or nurturing those little personalities the way I should be.  And the worst part is I feel like I'm drowning trying to make it all happen and run smoothly.  No matter what I do someone gets the short end of the stick.  There is just not enough Mama to fill everyone's cup.

I would never wish away my time in the valley because I know it is there that growth happens.  I can only hope that when this season is over and we are back on the mountain tops, no damage has been done and most of all... I hope my baby girl knows how very much I love her.

Cooper's Birth Story

Today my sweet baby boy is one week old.  I figured it was time that I write down his birth story so one day I'll be able to share it with him.  So here goes...

On Thursday, March 26 at 37 weeks pregnant, we arrived at the hospital for my 6:00 AM induction.  Of course it was a slow process of checking in (why they have you pre-register, I do not understand because I'm not sure it sped anything up).  I believe it was around 7:45 AM by the time I was all hooked up and officially strapped to the IV pole.  It was an extremely calm morning, and I was actually getting frustrated because I didn't feel as if I was making any progress.  It showed I was having contractions, but it didn't feel like anything more than Braxton Hicks at the most.

Around 10 something my precious doctor came in and broke my water.  I was only at 3 centimeters at this point which only made me more frustrated.  However, the kids were there so for the most part I just chilled and took it all in.  About 10:30 AM I felt my first contractions and had the kids leave the room with my mom.  My sister and hubby stayed with me.  

It's amazing how your body works because by 11:00 AM I was hurting so badly!  I decided to forgo my natural childbirth plan and begged for an epidural.  The nurse checked me at 11:10 AM, and I was at 4 centimeters.  I remember looking at the clock and being so frustrated.  I was in tears by this point because I was now "in line" for an epidural, but I did not have one.  As I was crying and saying bad words through contractions (because I was in total control of myself, of course) I just felt something was wrong.  I kept telling the nurse I wanted to push because it felt good, and she was telling me not to.  I know she checked me somewhere in there because I remember her saying I was at an 8 and knowing that I wasn't going to get the epidural.  This only upset me more realizing I was going to have to do this because I was sure I couldn't.  (Not one of my prouder moments that day in the delivery room.)

By 11:30 I was ready to push as my doctor walked in.  She got me focused enough to push and reminded me that I didn't really want an epidural anyway.  I don't think she cared that I changed my mind in there.  I'll never forget how casual it was.  There was a room filled with people... most likely due to the fit I was having.  Honestly, I have no idea who they were or where they came from, but they were there watching.  My doctor just sat at the end of the bed.  No crazy stirrups or lights.  No blue surgery looking cover up thing.  Some gloves and a mask thing that I had to wait for her to put on, and then she let me push.  I pushed four times, and she laid my baby boy on stomach.  

The mixture of emotions was overwhelming.  He was here.  He was okay.  We had waited what felt like forever to know this.  I was okay, too.  And I felt such a relief of having him out of my body!  (If you've pushed a baby out, you know this instant feeling of relief.)

This was an experience like no other.  Not only was it fast and furious and oh so painful, but it was pretty amazing.  I've never had a natural birth before so feeling everything was such a different experience.  The labor itself, the pushing, all of it.  There is something so primal and beautiful about it while in the same moment it's painful and agonizing.  The human body is certainly amazing.  And I will forever be grateful that God knew I needed that experience... I needed to feel those moments of pain, fear, and failure before He victoriously brought my son into this world and into my arms.

I have had the honor of loving two little boys and being a "mom" to them both.  But there has been a longing in my heart to be the mother of a boy that I gave birth to.  I had honestly given up that dream, and I was so satisfied with my three precious babies.  I wrestled with the reason for this pregnancy, and I questioned God's plan more times than I believed in it.  

As I look back, I see all of this was part of His plan.  He saw fit that this pregnancy was viable when my heart wasn't in it.  He put it on my heart not to find out the sex of this baby, which would have provided the answer to so many "whys" for me.  He walked us through a valley of uncertainty with our baby's health.  He made sure I felt the struggle.  He made sure I had no where to go but to Him, even when He knew I didn't want to.  Even when He knew it was the hardest thing for me to do.  

On March 26 at 11:34 AM, I became the mother to a little boy weighing 5 lbs. 6 oz. measuring 18 1/2 inches long.  A part of me that was missing, is now whole.  Cooper Byron is my miracle... my redemption... my precious son.  God did THAT!

A side note - Choosing a name for a baby whose sex is unknown was a difficult task for us.  Many people have asked me what our name choices were since we kept a lot of things pretty hush hush.

For a girl we had it narrowed down to: 
Georgia Rae
Sadie Rae
Clara Rae
(Rae honoring my sister Rachel)

For a boy we had it narrowed down to:
Tripp Byron
Hayes Byron
Cooper Byron

In the end, we chose Cooper Byron.  We knew we wanted to honor my father by using his name as the middle name.  Then we looked at our family and who we are in this season of life.  When we described ourselves we came up with the words: Jesus, Gymnastics, and Baseball.  So it only seemed right that we chose Cooper taken from Cooperstown where the Baseball Hall of Fame resides.  We love our Mini Coop :)

Processing

In yesterday's post I filled everyone in on our latest surprise, THE BABY!  Today, I thought I'd share a little more about how I have processed it all.  It's been extremely hard not to write and share my feelings as this has all been happening because that is how I process.  The writing it down is cathartic, and the sharing it holds me accountable to my feelings.  It requires me to process them and face them rather than push them aside.

I know that many of you who know me personally also know that surprises and I go together about as well as oil and water.  Needless to say, this has been a transition for me.

I guess I should back track a little.  Josh and I had been working hard on some life plans and goals that we had set.  I had just settled in to that feeling that things were going in the right direction.  I truly felt like big things were about to happen for us.  (Clearly, I just had NO IDEA!)  We had short term plans of moving and making some changes for the big kids, and we had long term plans of raising these kids and opening our home to fostering and adoption.  

In the instant it took to pee on that stick, I could feel my entire world shifting out of it's comfort zone.  Now in all fairness, my comfort zone is quite small.  I like routine and predictability.  The only spontaneity I'm up for is that in which I impulsively concoct and con my ever patient husband into.  I'm a creature of habit... a homebody... and generally pretty boring.

It was extremely hard to maintain my composure as I told my husband and close family and friends about our news.  I am a firm believer that life begins at conception.  I believe in God's plan.  I believe that babies are a blessing... always.  I hold so many beliefs that were being tested.  And then the fear... oh the fear!  If I didn't instantly attach to this baby quick enough would God take it from me?  Was I even worthy to be it's mother when I'm so unsure about my feelings?  I knew these feelings were irrational.  God doesn't take babies.  But that's how my mind works... impulsive and irrational.  That's me.

After some tears and deep reflection I had to mourn the loss of the dreams I currently had.  The changes that would not come at this time.  The children I wanted to love and care for that would not be mine.  I had to realize I could still do all the things I wanted to do, but perhaps it would look differently.  God had a different plan for our family, and I had to trust in that.  Obviously, that is not always my strength.

Now I'm at a place where I'm feeling much better about things.  There are still days this all seems so surreal.  I've accepted the fact that my feelings are real and okay.  I know that history shows that it takes me awhile to bond with my babies in utero.  (I think this this is partly due to feeling sick and tired all the time.)  But I can still be a good mother.  I'm still worthy of having children to love and care for.  And if God sees fit that Josh and I bring another child into this world, I will welcome that.  It is truly an honor that I do not take lightly.

Today, I have no idea what life will look like by the time the baby arrives in April.  There are so many things I am unsure of.  But today I am at peace knowing that I am the proud mother of four children who are so very loved.  And for today, that's enough.

Disney Dad

I've been doing some research on why children with unmarried parents prefer to live with their fathers.  Basically I've been curious to whether it's a gender preference, an age thing, etc.  Obviously this is not always the case, kids wanting to live with their dads, that is.  But in our home it is, so I wanted to know why.  That's just how I function.  I have to know the why... the science... whatever behind it.  Not that I don't believe my children or trust their feelings, but I know research has been done on this so I was curious to what it said.  So I've read everything I can find.  Scientific research, op ed pieces, web forums... you name it, I've read it!

As I begin to look into this, an alarming trend appeared from women.  (Mostly in web forums, but also some op ed pieces as well.)  Women claimed over and over again their child only wanted to live with their ex because their ex was what many refer to us a "Disney Dad" or "Uncle Dad".  This meaning, the dad is just around for the fun and not the actual parenting.  This infuriated me for many reasons so I'm putting it out there in the world that this girl right here (one biological and step mom) thinks women believing this might actually be fooling themselves instead of just accepting the fact that their child's needs are changing.  I'll use my home as my example.

My step son comes here to visit.  The visitation my husband was given was 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends; Thursdays during the school year; 30 days during summer in addition to weekends; school holidays rotating each year.  So starting off the courts have set dad's up to have children during "quality time" periods.  These are generally times when the father and children do not have work or school obligations as frequently.  Thus, creating the perception that dad only does the fun stuff.  Well, court system and ladies, we've set it up to be this way.  It has been proven that the non-custodial parent actually has more "quality time" with the child than the custodial parent in custody situations such as ours.  Most of the hours the child has in the custodial household are spent sleeping and at school.  Once you add in homework, dinner, and extra curricular activities your "quality time" has been lost in the day to day life.  But remember, this arrangement is what you wanted.

Camping with the girls while J-Man was making memories
with his Mom over Memorial Day weekend!

Now to dispel the myth that all that happens at the non-custodial house is fun and play.  Well, maybe in some homes, but not in ours (or anyone that I know).  We have lives just like the rest of you.  We have a marriage and other children.  We have a world that was spinning while we didn't have my step son here.  It did not stop when he left our home to await his return.  And when he does return each time there are still toys to be picked up, practices to attend, church obligations, and yep... date nights or alone time that don't involve any of our kids.  

Oh, and those weekday visits (including the summer).  Well, we still have to go to work.  It's funny how that goes.  I will say in our home, we are very fortunate.  The kids are cared for by their grandparents in our absence.  Their routine does not differ.  Also, my husband and I have flexible work schedules.  So the children are never left more than a few hours at a time and a maximum of four days a week.  However, that has nothing to do with my step son's visitation schedule.  This is the life we chose because we have three children who need us to be present in their lives.  

Sometimes being a "good dad" means
throwing batting practice!

In addition to us working year round, the school year brings extra challenges because you add in homework and earlier bed times.  This lessens the amount of "fun" time that anyone is having.  And usually means that this mom is counting the minutes until bedtime due to pure exhaustion.

I know it may seem ideal and be easier on the hearts of mom's around the world to think that dad's house is all fun and games.  And I'd imagine that sometimes it really is more fun.  But that's not because dad is trying to one up you.  He's simply being himself.  Research has shown that dad's play more frequently with their children.  Dad's do parenting differently.  It's taken me a long time to realize this (okay, so I'm still working on it), but this is okay and *gasp* good for the children!

My research has nothing to do with this topic, but I just couldn't read another post by some mom about how her child only wanted to live with dad because he was a "Disney Dad".  It made me feel all defensive.  And in full disclosure, my husband has never been accused of this
by his ex so it's not even personal.  More so it just irritated me for father's everywhere.  

And sometimes being a "good dad" means time alone
with Mama!  

I've noticed a huge movement by father's trying to prove they are just as vital as mother's.  Research has backed this up time and time again.  As women we have to support this notion that they matter just as much as mother's do.  Someday our son's will grow up, and we live in a fallen world.  They may find themselves in circumstances which require them to defend their ability to parent equally.  If we are not paving the way for them to have this opportunity now, then we are doing them an injustice.  

My step son wants to live with his dad.  And I may not understand all the reasoning behind it, but there is one thing that is for certain... it's not because he's a "Disney Dad".  Let's stop using that as our defense and start looking at the million other reasons research and our children are telling us might possibly be the case.

Character

As a mother, building children of good character is probably one of the most challenging tasks I face.  My children live in a world where people seem more concerned with their reputation than they are with their character and teaching them the difference is not always easy.  

Because the proverbial glass in our home must remain half full at all times, my husband and I have chosen to take the unfortunate experiences our children witness and use them as teachable moments.  It has them allowed to see the character of their friends (and sometimes family) as well as those in the world around them.  And hopefully it is also teaching them what type of person they need to be.

I think sometimes as adults it's easy to struggle with this also.  Especially if we are the type of people who have a desire to please others.  (That would be me.)  Often times I worry more about how it will look if I do or (especially) don't do something instead of looking at my intentions behind it.  When my intentions are not pure, my character becomes tainted.  

It is not hard to see through those with the wrong intentions or those simply doing things to try to impress others.  I know it always makes me chuckle to watch from the outside the people who try to act as if they have a life that is something it is not.  I find myself having trouble respecting people who do this.  I imagine it's hard to respect yourself as well...

A little while back I began writing my TransparentME series of blog posts.  (They will pop up every now and then as I feel I am emotionally ready to share.)  But since then they have changed my life in another way.  They have inspired me to not worry about my reputation... or at least not give in to those worries by making that my focus.  Instead, my focus is my character.  Who am I when no one is looking or listening?  

I think what inspires me most to stay the course is realizing that God is always watching.  When it's all said and done, He is the one I will answer to.  He will know what I have done, who I have helped, and who I have misled.  He will know the true intent behind my actions and the state of my heart at all times.  

I'm not going to lie and say it's been easy to be honest and transparent.  I am a "pleaser".  I want people to be happy with me.  (And that doesn't always happen when you are laying the truth out there... about yourself, others, life in general... people are afraid of that sometimes!)  I want people to think I'm doing a good job at life.  But that isn't always honest.  Sometimes I'm just sucking at everything.  Probably more often than not, I'm sucking at most things!  And the truth is, when I'm not honest with myself and others that just hurts me more than anyone else.  If I'm not capable of saying that sometimes I am not making the cut, then I'm not opening myself up for real growth.  

If I could really imprint one thing in my children's minds it would be that their character counts!  Their reputation may make the nice ladies at work like them or their best friend from high school think they are still super awesome, but it WILL NOT make them into the person God wants them to be.  It will not make them be able to lay their head down at night with peace and personal fulfillment.  And quite honestly, they will just be embarrassing themselves.  And no Mama ever wants her babies embarrassed!  So ask yourself this kids, "Who are you when no one is watching?!?" 

 

Inadequate

Recently I attended the dotMom conference when it came to Frisco, TX.  It was an amazingly powerful weekend that shook my faith to it's core.  It challenged me as a mother, a wife, and more importantly as a Christian.  I have spent the last few weeks trying to sort through all I learned and apply it in my everyday life because I was that moved... that changed.  

One of the many messages that really resonated with me over the weekend of the conference was that the most important ministry I will ever be a part of is the one in my home.  Wow!  I just hate it when the obvious jumps out at me and slaps me in the face!

I think back to all the places I've volunteered.  All the places where I've devoted time in nourishing others souls... other children to be exact.  And then I look at what is happening in my home.  My children see me read my Bible.  We talk about Bible verses and memorize them, but not as often as we should.  We listen exclusively to Christian music in the car.  I try to deliver discipline with a healthy dose of scripture to back it up.  I'm doing a good job, right?!? 

Then it hit me.  I am not doing a good job.  I'm probably not even doing a mediocre job.  Tonight as I was sharing the story of Jesus' death with my children I realized that I am completely inadequate for this most important of ministries.  I do not know enough about the Bible, I do not even know how to pronounce all the words correctly, I do not know if my words are what my children are needing to hear, I do not know if my chaotic prayers leave them feeling refreshed or throwing up their own little shout out to God with something to the effect of, "Sorry about our Mom, God.  She's kind of a hot mess."  There is just so much I don't know.

And for me that is a scary place to be.  Because I want so badly for my children to know God.  I want for them to be in a home where praying is as natural as breathing, where scripture fills their hearts... a place where they follow Jesus with reckless abandon!  It's just hard for me to believe that God really thinks I'm the right girl for this job.  My children, my husband, they deserve someone so much more qualified than crazy ol' me who is still trying to figure it all out.

Inadequate and unqualified for this job, I certainly am.  Filled with desire to do more, know more, understand more, well, I am that as well.  God entrusted me with His precious children during their time on earth for a reason.  So I'll keep praying my chaotic prayers, and I'll keep opening my Bible with a desperate longing to know more.  Something tells me I'll never really be qualified for this important ministry I've been entrusted with.  Thank goodness God has my back in case I go and screw it all up!

Just One Night

Josh and I had planned to go out of town this weekend to a benefit in Oklahoma.  Unfortunately, Josh could not find someone to work for him in time for us to be able to still attend.  At the last minute he was able to find someone to work for him so we planned to go camping.  Our back up plan seemed like a good one, and we were excited.  After all, we hadn't had a single minute alone since our wedding night.  

Anyone who has children probably already knows how this story goes.  Yep, our kids schedule changed, and that nixed our plans!  So here we are... married for two weeks... our first chance to get some time together... and wham, it's not going to happen!

Both of us had already taken the time off work so we agreed to just go ahead and keep the days off.  After all, we had a zillion in one things to do.  (Like get my name changed, a task I've been avoiding... but that's another story.)  We spent day one doing some house stuff and taking care of the kiddos (the reason for the change in plans to begin with), and tomorrow we will go forward with our plans to get everything else done.

On one hand, it's a good thing that we didn't get to go anywhere because we did have stuff that needed to get done here.  Stuff that will lift a huge weight off my shoulders when it is finally done.  On the other hand, it is so frustrating that we haven't had any time together.  Is it really too much to ask that we get just one night alone together?!?  It makes me wish we would have just sucked it up and went on a honeymoon for a week right after the wedding.  But we didn't because we didn't want to leave the kids in the middle of all that's going on right now.  

I love my kids, and I'm grateful for every moment with them.  But right now I'd really like just one night with my husband (with no child in between us).  Maybe next year... for our anniversary... if our kids' schedules allow it.

Struggles of Being a Step Mom - It's a Fine Line

One of the hardest parts of being a step parent (or having a blended family) is when you disagree with choices that the "other parent" is making.  It is a constant struggle of stepping back and allowing them to parent how they see fit and protecting your child.  Often it is a fine line that can be easily crossed.  So we try to remind ourselves often that we are not perfect parents.  Our heavenly Father is the only perfect parent there is, and it is Him that we should let judge how we've handled the task that he's entrusted us with... the task of parenting.  

Lately, we've had many struggles with the "other parent" in our situation.  It started when my step son started telling us he wanted to live here.  I think deep down all of us knew that day would eventually come, but I will admit that we were all surprised that it came so soon.  

Let me get off track here by saying that we've always felt it would be in my step son's best interest to be with us.  While his mother has done better in parenting the last nine months, she is still way to preoccupied with things that don't involve being a parent.  Her improvements seem to be based entirely upon not wanting us to do something that she doesn't do.  While her mimicking our parenting style has been beneficial to my step son, it is obvious to all of us (including him) that she isn't doing it because it's what she feels called to do.  She is doing it because she is desperately trying to keep up with his life here.  And in all fairness, she can't possibly come close to doing that.  We live different lifestyles.  We make different choices.  We have entirely different situations.  When she learns to embrace those differences she will have the relationship with my step son that she's struggling to hold on to.  

That leads me back into him wanting to live here.  It made sense to us.  It made sense to him.  He wanted more time with his dad.  He would have it.  He wanted to have his dad coach his sports teams.  That would be possible.  (It isn't currently possible due to the 45 minute drive that lies between us.)  He is a smart kid who needs to be challenged.  Our home school performs very well academically and has great programs for kids like him.  He wants someone to be home when he gets home from school.  Someone is always here.  With every reason that he had for wanting to be with us we were able to say, "Okay.  We can do that."  Because those were just normal things in our every day lives.  So after much prayer, thought, consideration, and playing devil's advocate we sat down to talk to her.  And of course, she said no.  Understandable because that's her child.  Baffling because she is denying her child of something that he wants and that would be in his best interest.  She had no argument against it being the better place for him.  She simply didn't think he was old enough to make that decision.  While I disagree (because children understand far more than we think), she is old enough to make that decision.  She is old enough to look at all the factors and look at it objectively.  Willing?  Obviously not.  Capable?  Certainly.  

While her "no" to him living here was frustrating and disheartening, we moved forward.  After all, we could lay our heads down at night knowing we had done what was best for him.  She would lay down each night knowing her son wanted to be somewhere else.  Her cross to bear.  Our hearts were at peace other than feeling broken and helpless for my step son.  

My step son was quite bummed at his mother's decision.  Just yesterday I found him in his room sitting all alone.  When I inquired about what was on his mind he replied, "I just really wish I could live here."  So after a discussion on just really enjoying the time he had here and praying that God would touch his mom's heart to truly listen to his desires, we moved on.  However, since finding out about his mother saying no he has asked repeatedly to still play sports out here with his dad.  While this makes our lives quite complex, we could not possibly say no.  Not when his desires were so clear.  So we asked her about this.  Again, she said no.

In addition to her not wanting him to play sports out here she has gradually began taking away time that she had never before wanted or requested.  An odd thing to do when you know your child is wanting more time with the other parent.  We came to the conclusion that this wasn't about my step son.  It never really was.  It is about her having control, and her desperate attempt to hang on to what she has left of it.  It is about her realizing that the more time he spends here, the more he wants to be here permanently.  It appears that by taking away some of his time here she is attempting to create the opposite effect.  Less time with dad.  Less desire to live with dad.  

At this point we became angry.  Her selfish decisions and attempts to hurt us have done nothing but hurt the child she should so desperately try to protect.  She is not thinking of her child, she is thinking of her own selfish desires.  And while we are extremely sympathetic to her wanting to hang on to every moment she can with him (knowing that as he continues to get older he will want to be with his dad more), she has never cited that as a reason for these decisions.  Because that we can understand.  So we are left with, "He's not old enough to make that decision," and, "We can show him how to be an adult better than you can."

And that leads me here... we recently found out some information about her husband.  Some very unsettling information.  Finding out that she moved a married man into her home and then married him three months after his divorce (rebound?!?) and finding out he has a criminal history so this married man she moved into her home also came with a past and probation.  All mere weeks after meeting him online with a small child in her home.  

So this is where that fine line of things really becomes hard not to cross.  We are not upset with this man for his past.  We all have one.  His past is not ours to judge.  We believe that people deserve second chances, and that after being properly rehabilitated (fulfilling your entire probation/parole/counseling/etc.) you should be given that chance.  Our issue is with that fact that one, she never mentioned this to us.  Granted, she wasn't required to give us notice of this by the courts or anything, but after we've been so forthcoming with her it is disappointing to see she hasn't done the same for us.  Secondly, she brought this man into her home... my step son's home.  This wasn't a decision that only affected her.  This was a decision that affected a child.  What if she was wrong about this man she'd met online and only known a matter of weeks?  Did that thought cross her mind?  What about the fact that he was married?  What kind of example did that set?  Is that how she is going to show him how to be an adult?  Moving someone else's husband into her home... Again, the fine line between protecting our child and allowing her to parent as she sees fit.  

We are not perfect parents.  I cannot possibly express that enough.  We make mistakes.  Probably more than most.  We do selfish things.  We lose our patience.  We definitely have a long way to go before we'll be winning any awards.  But we try hard.  And I think that's why this situation has been so unsettling for us.  We aren't sure what to do.  While they are free to live their life as they see fit, we have strong feelings about the type of man we want my step son to grow up to be, and they aren't providing that example.  

At this point our hands are somewhat tied.  We will continue to do our best to protect him from the life that's been chosen for him at his mother's house.  And we will continue to be the best parents we can be.  All while walking this fine line.  Sometimes crossing it.  Sometimes rocking the boat more than we should.  Sometimes pouring out the raw truth and causing hurt feelings.  But all the time doing what we feel is in the best interest of the precious boy that we love so much.  

You're Eight Today

An excerpt from the journal I write to Lexie.  This was written shortly before her first birthday.
**********************************************************************

In about 45 minutes you will be turning one!  I cannot believe your first birthday is already here.  It's hard to imagine that it has been a year since I first held you in my arms.  It seems like it was last week that I brought you home from the hospital, and now you are so big and you can walk and laugh and joke.  You are a little girl instead of a baby girl now!  Wow!  I'm so amazed.  It is such a bittersweet moment for me as you turn one tomorrow.  I am happy to see you grow and learn, but I miss the days of having a bitty baby.  

Lexie, I am so proud of you each and every day.  Not only do you bring a smile to my face, but you also bring smiles to the faces of many others.  You are so smart... just simply amazing!  Everything about you is above and beyond brilliant, and you are only a year old.  

I can tell already you have a bright future ahead of you.  (Your personality alone will see to that.)  I look forward to watching you learn more and more.  It never ceases to amaze me!

Lexie, I love you so much.  I am blessed every day over and over because of you.  Thank you for giving me the best year of my life.  I look forward to a lifetime of happiness because of you!

Happy Birthday My Love!

XOXO
Mommy

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I'm still so amazed by you!  Your personality draws people to you.  Your beautiful smile makes others smile.  Your compassionate heart puts people at ease.  You have proven in eight years that you have the ability to change lives... for you have forever changed mine!   I have witnessed you do such great things in your short time here on this earth, and I have no doubt you are just getting started.  I pray that you will continue to let the light of Jesus shine through you, and that you will trust in Him always.  Words are not enough to express my feelings for you.  My precious daughter... my Bitty Boo... the child I never knew I wanted, and the child I couldn't live without.  You have made me a better person, and I can only hope that I am also doing that for you.  My love for you is like no other.  The bond we share, so unique.  There is a part of my heart that beats just for you.  Lexie Loree... you are the most precious gift from God.


Happy 8th Birthday, Bitty!

God in the House

I have gone to church all my life.  I was raised in the church.  I am not one of those people who has some great testimony about what lead them to Christ.  I have always believed.  


Lately I have been thinking about my children and their walk with God.  By having them baptized as infants (we are Methodist) I have committed to guiding and nourishing that relationship.  I have thought a lot about what I am doing, what I have done, and what I would like to do to set them forth on a path where their relationship with God is an enriching friendship that provides them an undeniable love and security.  


When my sister and I were little my parents were very involved in our church.  They were part of a Sunday School class, they played softball, they worked with our Wednesday night program (Logos), they worked with the youth group, sang in the choir, served on committees... the list goes on and on.  If the saying that "actions speak louder than words" is true, then my parents were a shining example of believing, loving, and serving our Lord.


Looking back, the one thing I wish we had was the "words" to go along with the actions.  While I remember praying with my parents at dinner and before bed, I do not remember God being spoken of often.  Now granted, this is just my memory so I could be wrong.  But I don't remember us discussing what was talked about in church, or speaking of the Lord in times of need or trouble, or hearing Bible verses.  To this day it is the same.  I see my parents Bibles out.  Often times I see my Dad reading his.  However, God isn't spoken of like He lives in our home.


I want that to be different for my children, and I try to make it that way.  I want God to be spoken of like He is another family member or friend.  When my children have a good day, I want it to be second nature to them to stop and thank God.  When they are struggling with something, I want scripture to come to their minds and fill their hearts.  I want them to talk to God as if they can tell him anything and not worry about the formalities adults often add to prayers.  I truly want them to have a relationship with God in our home.  I want them to see my actions combined with my words and have that as their guide.


I realize I have a long way to go before I can truly be the spiritual leader they need.  First and foremost, I need to marry their father.  The guilt of that eats at me everyday.  Then I need to continue feeding myself spiritually.  I'm not sure what that will look like when it's all done, but it is heavy on my heart that changes are needing to be made.  Perhaps it will be a growing experience for all of us. 

"Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it." 

Proverbs 22:6

Second Grade... Here We Come!

It seems like only yesterday when Josh and I were cuddled in bed, feeling Hadlie move inside my tummy, tears streaming down our faces, clearly not ready to send our babies to kindergarten.  Now here we are... two years later.

 

Lexie's first day Kindergarten

 Jacob's first day of Kindergarten

Tomorrow Lexie and Jacob will begin second grade.  It's hard to believe that time has flown by so quickly.  It's hard to believe how much they've grown in the past two years.  They look different. They act different.  They have different interests.  They are no longer "little kids".  They are maturing into "big kids".  Again, I am not ready.

I am able to deal with Jacob changing and growing more easily than I am with Lexie.  I think that is due to the fact that since the beginning he has gone back and forth between houses.  Josh and I miss things.  His mother and step-father miss things.  The relationship between us all leaves much to be desired so we have never all been there for anything, and often times new accomplishments and daily happenings are not shared by either party.  One of the many tragedy's of a "broken home" and our inability to look past ourselves.  


However, I have watched him grow and change so much.  Especially this past summer.  He has progressed leaps and bounds.  At the end of the day it is my prayer that this progress will be nurtured by his teacher and continued throughout the year.  Josh and I have committed to helping as needed with the PTA at his school as well as in his classroom.  We have gotten him a phone so that throughout the week we are able to text or call him to see how his day was.  We are really making an effort to try to give him all that Lexie and Hadlie get from us.  We want to be able to be a part of these moments even if it is only in a small way.  Second grade will change him just like the past two years did.  God is working through Jacob in many ways right now, and I could not be more excited to see what this year brings for him!

Sending Lexie to school is a little harder for me.  Every year it is so bittersweet.  I'm filled with pride at the brilliant girl that she has become.  However, I don't think a mother ever gets used to sending her baby off somewhere.  There is always that small twinge of heartache when I realize that I will be missing precious moments of her growing, changing, learning.  Moments I used to witness all of.  Moments I was unprepared to face eight years ago as a young scared mother have now become moments I'm unprepared to give up to someone else.  One of life's many ironies...

I teared up finding out who Lexie's teacher was and again when meeting her.  I have no doubt that tomorrow will be tear filled too.  I will, once again, be handing my Bitty Boo over to someone else for the majority of her waking hours.  A place that Lexie so dearly loves.  A place filled with friends, laughter, and learning.  All things that fill Lexie's spirit.  And I'll wait eagerly to pick her up to find out all of the exciting things that happened... which from Lexie is less about what they learned and more about what happened at recess!

Tomorrow I will be placing my trust in Mrs. Hackett (Lexie's teacher) and Mrs. Auten (Jacob's teacher) and their schools.  I will trust that they will not only teach them everything they need to know, but that they will do so in a way that shows my children love, acceptance, and grace when needed.  I'll trust that they will be encouraged and challenged to be the best people they can be.  And I will hope and pray that they will build friendships that stand the test of time.  That they will be accepted for who they are.  That they are brave enough to stand up for others, and that others will stand up for them.  I pray that they will show all those they meet kindness and respect.  That their heart for Jesus will outweigh their desire to give into peer pressure.  

Part of my heart will be in second grade tomorrow... I just hope the other part can handle that! 

 Lexie at 2nd Grade "Meet the Teacher"

Jacob at 2nd Grade "Meet the Teacher"

Struggles of Being a Step Mom - Background Story

The past couple of days have been doozies in Step Mom Land.  My patience has been tried, my nerves have been frazzled, and my ability to be pleasant is quickly fading.  Now don't get me wrong... I love my step son, Jacob.  In fact, I don't care for the word "step" at all.  (I assume most blended families probably feel the same way.)  When we refer to our family, our children, we never use the world "step".  He is my son.  He is the brother of my children.  I would do anything for him, just as I would my children.  

So a little background... I met Jacob shortly before he turned 3 years old.  He has always had what I consider to be "quirks".  Some I feel need to be looked into professionally, others I feel are a direct result of primarily living with his mother.  This theory continues to be proven the more I'm around him.  

Anyway, his mother has never wanted me to be with Josh.  I don't take this personally because I think she would feel this way about any girl that he would have been serious about after her.  I just happened to be the first one.  When I first met Josh he had 50/50 custody of Jacob.  There was no court order.  Shortly after we met he was in an accident and could not care for himself much less Jacob.  He began to have him less (for obvious reasons) and after much discussion we felt it would be best for Jacob's future to not be passed back and forth so much as he got older and started school.  A court order was made giving her primary physical custody.  However, Josh blindly signed it (stupid on his part) and gave up more time than he should have.  At the time his mom had no life except Jacob.  She appeared to be very into all that being a mother entailed so this seemed like an okay decision.  

Hindsight is 20/20, and we now realize giving up 50/50 custody was mistake number one.  Josh not showing an attorney (or me for that matter) that court order before he signed it was mistake number two.  So currently we are left with a court order that gives Josh less than standard visitation, and a mother who seems to have lost interest in being a mom.  

Jacob currently lives with his mother most of the time, his step-dad, and two of his five children. When he is not there, he is with us.  Me, Josh, and our daughters, Lexie and Hadlie.  Needless to say he has two very extreme home lives, and as he goes back and forth so does his personality.  


Over the four and a half years I have known him, I have had several concerns.  Jacob is extremely shy and withdrawn.  He struggles making friends, and often chooses children to play with who are bullies and do not treat him kindly.  When playing with children his own age, often times he is very awkward in his interactions.  However, he is able to play fine with Lexie.  I attribute that to the great amount of time they spend together.  I can only assume he is probably able to interact "normally" with his other step-siblings as well.  Jacob thrives in a routine (and I mean that in a more extreme way than saying my two year old thrives in a routine).  He likes his toys lined up.  He plugs his ears at loud noises.  He walks on his toes (at age seven).  I could go on and on, but you get the idea.


I do not write these things to in any way degrade or devalue Jacob.  I write them to express where we are coming from.  To express our struggle... our small victories along the way.  I spend countless hours with him when he is with me battling each of these things one step at a time.  And I am proud to say we have seen tremendous progress.  Especially over the summer when we had him for an extended period of time.  However, our biggest struggle is his mother and the environment she provides for him.


Now anyone who knows me knows my obsession with my children.  Everything I do is for them.  I'm the overprotective, over involved, over indulgent... you get the idea... mom.  Jacob's mother is more of the passive type parent.  She is the "If his grades are good and he is fed, what does it really matter if his clothes fit right" type of mom.  I'm sure they'll be more details about my experiences with her at another time.  So hopefully you get the point... polar opposites.


Over the years I've gone back and forth on my involvement in Jacob's life.  Is it better to try to be involved or not be involved?  Is it better to walk away and just let him be the kid that visits on the weekend?  Is it too hard on him to bring him back and forth when he is so used to his mom's way of doing things?  Perhaps we should back out all together and let him be there and us stay out of things?  Perhaps we should try to get custody?  Maybe at the end of the day we really just don't know what to do... and that's pretty much where we have been left.  We realize that it's a struggle at times.  Being a part of his life is definitely not the easy way out.  It's not easy for us or for him, and it's probably not easy on his mom either.  


So moving on... over the summer we had Jacob for a month.  During that time provided Jacob the opportunity to be in many "growth" type situations, and I am proud to say that he thrived!  He went from completely shutting down when adults talked to him to being able to be a greeter at my granddad's 80th birthday party.  He went from playing around and talking in his Kung Fu class to being one of the top students.  He went from being withdrawn and scared of confrontation to being able to speak up when he doesn't like something or has an opinion that he wants to share.  All in all, huge victories for just 30 days of time together.  So you can imagine how excited I was when he came back for the weekend this past Friday and all of these positive behaviors continued.  (I expected regression from being at his mom's.)  On top of that the confirmation from other who had noticed progress in Jacob had me just elated!


So here it is Monday.  Jacob is at his mom's house, and we have been texting/talking back and forth throughout the day.  And what happens??  My Kung Fu star... my child who spent his exercise time each morning practicing his Kung Fu... the boy who was willing to give up swimming to go to Kung Fu, tells me that he doesn't want to go today.  He wants to have family time at his mom's.  Immediately I knew something was up.  First of all, why should this have been a choice?  He made the commitment to be in the class.  There should be no discussion of whether or not he wants to go.  His mother should just see to it that he goes.  Secondly, like I stated before, he loves Kung Fu.  What has prompted him to decide he wants family time instead of going to class?  Needless to say I'm baffled.  So I talk to him and tell him that I'm sad he decided not to go, and I'm disappointed that he's choosing not to stick to his commitment.  Conversations I know won't be had at his current location.  Then I follow it up with a text letting him know I love him and that I'm not mad at him.  


But I am mad... I'm furious.  Furious at his mother.  I know that's where the problem started.  After all, he was given the choice of going or not going.  Parenting mistake number one.  And to be honest, I have no doubt it was presented in a way that hinted she did not want to go or that she would provide an alternate "more fun" activity.  Because the bottom line is, she's lazy.  


More than anything I'm bothered because I realize that all of the progress we made this summer is only progress here.  My precious boy who has grown so much has only grown so much here.  He may stand up to me and his father, but he is still afraid of his mother.  Still afraid to tell her what he really wants.  He still claims her desires as his own all in an effort to please her.  I doubt she notices or that she cares as long as she is not bothered.  That's just how she is.


So after much conversation and Josh putting a little pressure on, the situation was resolved... at least the Kung Fu part.  Jacob ended up going.  And his mom is officially watching for the 2nd time.  As for getting him to stand up to his mom, stick to his commitments, etc... well, that will require more work.  


It's been a long weekend... yesterday her parents and today her.  Sadly, I see no end in sight.  It's a good thing I love this kid and his dad because I'm a girl with low tolerance and little patience.  Well, that's all for today.  Kudos to you if you stuck with it.  More on "Struggles of Being a Step Mom" later!!