Knowing the crazy we've been through it always takes me by surprise when couples reach out to us for support and advice. This happens quite often. Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops, "We are the total wrong people to ask! We clearly have no idea what we are doing! Have you watched these last eight years!?!" Then another part of me feels like we have so much to offer because we have survived the world of betrayal, deceit, hurt, and the hardest... forgiveness.
However, our solution is not one everyone is ready and willing to make. It has been one of (painful at times) personal growth, and it has been such an overwhelming spiritual journey for us both. But I have been feeling very called to write this blog lately as so many people in our lives seem to need to hear our journey.
I want to preface this by saying, that not all relationships are "meant to be". I do not condone abuse or mistreatment. If you are not married, and these are issues you are facing then I will always recommend getting out. I also want to say that I believe in marriage. If you have made the commitment to be married, I believe that both parties should be committed to making it work. If they are not, then my experience will not be helpful. My personal experience is of two people who were willing to put in the work, and quite frankly, too prideful to give up. But at no time in our journey have either of us put the other one in any physical danger. This is simply something that requires professional help.
The Husband and I met in a single parents group. We began talking and getting to know each other. It seemed there was some interest on both parts after hanging out. So we kicked our relationship off with a bang. Eight years ago, on New Year's Eve, I went to work and Hubs went out with some of our other single parent friends. He kissed another girl at midnight, and then asked me on a date the next day. There was no real commitment so I ignored the red flags and let it slide. We decided on New Year's Day to be a couple. That same day we both left our date to plans we had already made with our exes. He headed off to ski, and I headed to Oklahoma. So here we are, one day into this "relationship" and we both were not exactly faithful on these trips. What a way to start things off, huh?!?
This set the preface for the next stage in our relationship. A lot of secrets, lies, dating other people, hurting each other, and always always always coming back together for more of the same torture. I wish I had a real answer as to why we continued this pattern, and even more so, I wish I had an answer for why we kept trying. It was so frustrating and confusing at the time. I honestly felt like my heart was betraying me by loving him. In all honesty, I wouldn't recommend that ANYONE stay in a situation like this. It was detrimental to both of us emotionally, and the healing process took a long time. After all, trust is not easily rebuilt.
I know it sounds like this was a complete tortuous time for us. So I hope it goes without saying that in between all of this we had so many good times. It's hard to leave when the good is REALLY GOOD.
To complicate things even more we had children involved that we loved dearly. To walk away would have hurt so many. So one day we decided that leaving wasn't an option. We knew something had to change so we started in the places we knew how. We took leaving off the table. It was no longer an option. However, we couldn't continue to function in the selfish ways we were both so accustomed. It simply wasn't fair to anyone involved. I don't think either of us really knew what we were doing or what we even needed to do. But we sure weren't quitting.
Now, when you get to the point that you are wide open and ready for change but you really aren't sure where to go it's like God gets so giddy up there in Heaven. Both separately and together God took opportunities to reach into our open hearts. And I swear to you the transformation was visible not only to us but to others around us. Through His work we both realized that it was no longer about us. He focused our attention to Him and we began to seek His plan for us and our family.
I'll be honest, we are still new at this whole putting God first thing. We are only a few years in, and it's hard! Old habits aren't easy to kick, and there are times it's so easy to fall back into spewing hateful words or belittling each other. I do have to admit, Hubby is much better than I am at maintaining his focus. I'm always quicker to anger or just become irritated. (Husband has the patience of a saint.) But the complete dynamic of our relationship is different.
I know that not everyone is ready to hand their relationship over to God. I'm a complete control freak so I get it! It's hard to say, "Here God, I know you've got this." But it's really the only answer I have to how Husband and I have become "that couple". There is security in being loved by a man who loves God more than he loves me. There is comfort in being in a marriage where you know you are being prayed for every single day. And there is complete and utter bliss in knowing and believing from the bottom of my heart that when we decided leaving was no longer an option, that it now means for eternity. I literally will spend FOREVER with my husband. That totally blows my mind! (And it's probably a good thing I have so long to get it right.)
I can suggest making your relationship a priority over your kids. I can suggest date nights, love notes, sweet texts, and making sex a priority. Those are all things that I believe in 110%. But those aren't the reason my marriage is what it is. Those are just the bonuses!
So at the end of the day here is my advice... if you are single, establish your relationship with God. Seek a Godly man, and do not waiver in this. (It's much easier to start on the right track.) If you are in a relationship, make a commitment to make God your priority. It can start off as simple as attending church together. Baby steps are still steps. And if you are married... it's hard. Marriage is so hard. So you have to work even harder. Seek help from a trusted friend or counselor who is also a believer. Pray for your marriage and ask others to also. But making this change where your relationship is God centered is an absolute priority. Your marriage is your ministry. Nurture it as such.
Hubby and I are always honored to pray for your relationship or marriage. We hope that we can serve as a Godly couple in your life as these relationships are important to have. If there is something we can do, please let us know.
"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." - Ecclesiastes 4:12
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