Struggles of Being a Step Mom - It's a Fine Line

One of the hardest parts of being a step parent (or having a blended family) is when you disagree with choices that the "other parent" is making.  It is a constant struggle of stepping back and allowing them to parent how they see fit and protecting your child.  Often it is a fine line that can be easily crossed.  So we try to remind ourselves often that we are not perfect parents.  Our heavenly Father is the only perfect parent there is, and it is Him that we should let judge how we've handled the task that he's entrusted us with... the task of parenting.  

Lately, we've had many struggles with the "other parent" in our situation.  It started when my step son started telling us he wanted to live here.  I think deep down all of us knew that day would eventually come, but I will admit that we were all surprised that it came so soon.  

Let me get off track here by saying that we've always felt it would be in my step son's best interest to be with us.  While his mother has done better in parenting the last nine months, she is still way to preoccupied with things that don't involve being a parent.  Her improvements seem to be based entirely upon not wanting us to do something that she doesn't do.  While her mimicking our parenting style has been beneficial to my step son, it is obvious to all of us (including him) that she isn't doing it because it's what she feels called to do.  She is doing it because she is desperately trying to keep up with his life here.  And in all fairness, she can't possibly come close to doing that.  We live different lifestyles.  We make different choices.  We have entirely different situations.  When she learns to embrace those differences she will have the relationship with my step son that she's struggling to hold on to.  

That leads me back into him wanting to live here.  It made sense to us.  It made sense to him.  He wanted more time with his dad.  He would have it.  He wanted to have his dad coach his sports teams.  That would be possible.  (It isn't currently possible due to the 45 minute drive that lies between us.)  He is a smart kid who needs to be challenged.  Our home school performs very well academically and has great programs for kids like him.  He wants someone to be home when he gets home from school.  Someone is always here.  With every reason that he had for wanting to be with us we were able to say, "Okay.  We can do that."  Because those were just normal things in our every day lives.  So after much prayer, thought, consideration, and playing devil's advocate we sat down to talk to her.  And of course, she said no.  Understandable because that's her child.  Baffling because she is denying her child of something that he wants and that would be in his best interest.  She had no argument against it being the better place for him.  She simply didn't think he was old enough to make that decision.  While I disagree (because children understand far more than we think), she is old enough to make that decision.  She is old enough to look at all the factors and look at it objectively.  Willing?  Obviously not.  Capable?  Certainly.  

While her "no" to him living here was frustrating and disheartening, we moved forward.  After all, we could lay our heads down at night knowing we had done what was best for him.  She would lay down each night knowing her son wanted to be somewhere else.  Her cross to bear.  Our hearts were at peace other than feeling broken and helpless for my step son.  

My step son was quite bummed at his mother's decision.  Just yesterday I found him in his room sitting all alone.  When I inquired about what was on his mind he replied, "I just really wish I could live here."  So after a discussion on just really enjoying the time he had here and praying that God would touch his mom's heart to truly listen to his desires, we moved on.  However, since finding out about his mother saying no he has asked repeatedly to still play sports out here with his dad.  While this makes our lives quite complex, we could not possibly say no.  Not when his desires were so clear.  So we asked her about this.  Again, she said no.

In addition to her not wanting him to play sports out here she has gradually began taking away time that she had never before wanted or requested.  An odd thing to do when you know your child is wanting more time with the other parent.  We came to the conclusion that this wasn't about my step son.  It never really was.  It is about her having control, and her desperate attempt to hang on to what she has left of it.  It is about her realizing that the more time he spends here, the more he wants to be here permanently.  It appears that by taking away some of his time here she is attempting to create the opposite effect.  Less time with dad.  Less desire to live with dad.  

At this point we became angry.  Her selfish decisions and attempts to hurt us have done nothing but hurt the child she should so desperately try to protect.  She is not thinking of her child, she is thinking of her own selfish desires.  And while we are extremely sympathetic to her wanting to hang on to every moment she can with him (knowing that as he continues to get older he will want to be with his dad more), she has never cited that as a reason for these decisions.  Because that we can understand.  So we are left with, "He's not old enough to make that decision," and, "We can show him how to be an adult better than you can."

And that leads me here... we recently found out some information about her husband.  Some very unsettling information.  Finding out that she moved a married man into her home and then married him three months after his divorce (rebound?!?) and finding out he has a criminal history so this married man she moved into her home also came with a past and probation.  All mere weeks after meeting him online with a small child in her home.  

So this is where that fine line of things really becomes hard not to cross.  We are not upset with this man for his past.  We all have one.  His past is not ours to judge.  We believe that people deserve second chances, and that after being properly rehabilitated (fulfilling your entire probation/parole/counseling/etc.) you should be given that chance.  Our issue is with that fact that one, she never mentioned this to us.  Granted, she wasn't required to give us notice of this by the courts or anything, but after we've been so forthcoming with her it is disappointing to see she hasn't done the same for us.  Secondly, she brought this man into her home... my step son's home.  This wasn't a decision that only affected her.  This was a decision that affected a child.  What if she was wrong about this man she'd met online and only known a matter of weeks?  Did that thought cross her mind?  What about the fact that he was married?  What kind of example did that set?  Is that how she is going to show him how to be an adult?  Moving someone else's husband into her home... Again, the fine line between protecting our child and allowing her to parent as she sees fit.  

We are not perfect parents.  I cannot possibly express that enough.  We make mistakes.  Probably more than most.  We do selfish things.  We lose our patience.  We definitely have a long way to go before we'll be winning any awards.  But we try hard.  And I think that's why this situation has been so unsettling for us.  We aren't sure what to do.  While they are free to live their life as they see fit, we have strong feelings about the type of man we want my step son to grow up to be, and they aren't providing that example.  

At this point our hands are somewhat tied.  We will continue to do our best to protect him from the life that's been chosen for him at his mother's house.  And we will continue to be the best parents we can be.  All while walking this fine line.  Sometimes crossing it.  Sometimes rocking the boat more than we should.  Sometimes pouring out the raw truth and causing hurt feelings.  But all the time doing what we feel is in the best interest of the precious boy that we love so much.  

Father's Day

Father's Day is today.  A day to celebrate the men, the fathers, in my life (and my children's lives) who make such a difference.


My dad.  Byron Gilbert Dunn.  A man with integrity and dignity.  A man with pride, but the ability to put it aside when necessary.  A man with a gracious and loving heart.  A man who forgives.  A man who loves unconditionally.  A man who accepts everyone for who they are.  A man who makes you laugh until you cry.  A man who is always there to dry your tears.  A man, who undoubtedly, has faith in God and is patient with His plans.  A man to admire.  A man to honor.  The only man I'll ever need in my earthly life.


Josh.  My love.  My heart and soul.  My best friend.  For 3 years Father's Day was always bittersweet.  It was a reminder of all the men in my daughter's life who loved her and supported her, but still lingering were thoughts of the man who was supposed to love her and be there for her that wasn't.  And there is no pain quite like knowing your child is not loved in the way she should be by her father.  Then came Josh.  He loved my daughter.  He treated her as his own.  Her became her Daddy.  And with that comes feelings that words cannot express.  Just thinking about what Josh has done for her makes my throat tight and my heart full.  Because of him, my sweet girl, has a Daddy.  Her very own Daddy.  A Daddy that will never leave her.  A Daddy that will always love her.  A Daddy that is teaching her what type of man she should allow to steal her heart one day.  I can without a doubt say that the greatest gift God has given my daughter was bringing Josh into our lives.  I have found immeasurable pleasure in seeing the father Josh has become to our three children over the last 5 1/2 years.  He continues to grow in this journey of parenting, and there are three beautiful children who have reaped the rewards of his selfless efforts.  I could not be more grateful for the front row seat God has given me to witness the relationship between my children and their Daddy.


My Granddaddy.  Those who are lucky enough to know my grandfather know the great man that he is.  A man of God who has been father, grandfather, mentor, and friend to many.  As his favorite granddaughter, I have numerous memories and countless things to say about this great man.  But what I want the world to know, is that my Granddaddy is the type of man that you meet and you are forever changed.  After knowing him, you carry a piece of him in your heart that is with you always.  Two daughters by birth, one who grew in his heart, seven grandchildren, and seven great-grandchildren... and I'm still his favorite.  That's enough for me to know he's a darn good man!  :)


The other men in my life and my children's lives.  There are many men who make a difference in the life of my family.  My Pa Bob.  He is my dad's step-father, but we've never seen him as a "step" anything.  He is our grandfather.  He has loved us and our children unconditionally.  Our childhood is filled of memories learning to play blackjack and laughing at our Pa Bob.  He is a blessing.

Our neighbor who is not only a wonderful father to his boys, but a father figure to any who may need it.  He's always ready to help when needed, celebrate our children's accomplishments, or throw a ball to an eager child.  He is a blessing.


My step-son's maternal grandfather.  While I have no direct connection with this man, I am forever grateful for his presence in my son's life.  He has given Jacob a father figure when he is not with us.  He has been involved in his life.  And he has always been so kind to our family.  There are two men that my son speaks about with true admiration, and this man is one of them.  He is a blessing.


Day in and day out we are blessed by wonderful father's.  Both in our home and in our community.  Some of them coach our kids teams, others teach Sunday School, and some a friends who are ready with smiles and high fives whenever we greet them.  Each of them is a blessing in our life.  

I read an article the other day that stated, "A father's love contributes as much -- and sometimes more -- to a child's development as does a mother's love."  Something we so often overlook.  So today, I am so thankful to celebrate all of these wonderful men who have made myself and my children the people we are today.  And my heart is filled with joy to celebrate the Father who gave us all of these blessings here are earth.  Because without a doubt, His love is more than a contribution to our development... it is an absolute necessity.

Taking It Off

I'm getting married in five months.  Less to be exact.  And knowing this has really given me the kick in the butt I've been needing the past... um... few (or 10) years.  I'm back on track with losing weight, and it's starting to feel good!


I decided that I would get consistent with using My Fitness Pal.  It really is so instrumental in making me aware and accountable for all that I am putting in my body.  It's amazing what I was actually consuming each day.  Mostly useless empty liquid calories.  (Hi.  My name is Jessica, and I'm addicted to Coke.  The soft-drink kind, that is.)  So the first thing I did was put an end to my daily Sonic trips.  I allow myself one can of Coke in the morning.  Other than that, I've just tried to be really aware of the portions I'm eating.  I try to make sure I'm choosing foods that will fuel my body, and not just taste good.  A tough thing for someone who loves cookies as much as I love my husband-to-be.


I've also started working out.  *gasp*  Yep, I'm back on the P90X kick.  I chose that because I can do it at home and fit it in around my crazy schedule.  I don't have to leave my children to do it.  In fact, they enjoy doing it with me.  I would like to add in some walking, but I am not sure where to fit that in my day without getting up at 5 AM.  And well, there is just nothing about me that screams "morning person"!


So with all of this going so well, I started to see the weight come off.  I decided I would reward myself by trying the It Works! body wrap.  Friday I used my first wrap.  Immediately after doing it I noticed an inch of difference in all places.  I will measure again tonight to see what further improvement there was.  I'm definitely thinking about becoming a distributor for these awesome wraps.  After all, I just did my stomach this time.  I would still like to do my arms, my back fat, and my thighs.  I might as well sell them for all I'll be using!


I'm really pleased with how things are going.  My first goal to weigh less than Josh was reached fairly easily.  My next goal is to lose another 20 lbs. before the wedding.  The important thing for me is to do it in a way that I will be able to keep it off.  Which is why I refuse to give up my daily Coke or deprive myself of sweets every now and then!  


I'm always looking for others who are walking this same path... others who struggle with weight loss... others who need motivation and encouragement like I do.  I encourage you to hop on My Fitness Pal and look me up.  My username is queenjessd.  I'd love for you to share in this journey with me!


In 3 John 1:2, John writes to his friend, "Dear friend, I hope all is well with you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit."  And that, my friends, is what I hope for myself and those in my life.  I'm on my way there!

Bruises & Blessings

This past week I began to notice some changes in Hadlie.  Not only was she fussy and not eating, but she was getting lots of bruises and she even had her first little nose bleed.  At first, I chalked it up to her being the rambunctious two year old that she is.  But then they showed up in strange places.  Places that were not normal.  After Josh finally agreeing that something may be wrong last night, I decided I would call the doctor first thing this morning.

Of course, after Josh thought something was wrong I did what every good mother shouldn't do... I began looking up the causes for bruising in toddlers.  Not one single diagnosis was comforting.  It didn't matter how I rephrased what I typed in the Google search box.  Finally, I had narrowed down her diagnosis to Leukemia or ITP (which is what my mom thought it was).  After I couldn't take anymore, I decided to tell myself she was simply fussy and not eating because she had a virus.  And because she wasn't eating right she was bruising easily.  Simple enough.  So I opened my Bible convinced (sort of) that I was right, and read until my eyes couldn't stay open.  Then I rolled over with Josh's hand on my back and slept the most peaceful night's sleep I'd had in two years.  Sort of odd for a worrying mother, but God is good like that.

First thing this morning I called the doctor.  She went in at 11 a.m.  Luckily, I had to take Lexie to the dentist before that and get everyone ready so I didn't have time to sit and research and worry too much.  I had a few minor moments of sheer panic, but they were comforted by the sound of Josh's voice which was only a phone call away.

When we got to the doctor she quickly confirmed that there was more going on than just her not eating well and bruising because of that.  She also said she felt sure it wasn't any type of Leukemia because everything in that area seemed to look great.  Our first piece of good news.  She felt like it was also ITP.  So with a quick prick of the finger, some discussion about the possible next steps, and the doctor's cell phone number written down, the waiting began.

After four hours, our wonderful pediatrician called.  She confirmed that Hadlie did have ITP.  Hadlie's platelet counts were at 23,000.  Low, but not horrible.  So what does all this mean?!?  Well, we aren't really sure at this point.  I think that's the most nerve wracking thing right now.  As of this moment, we will watch Hadlie until Tuesday when her levels are retested.  She isn't allowed to do anything that includes physical contact, jumping, climbing, etc.  If she starts bleeding and doesn't stop quickly or her gums bleed when we brush her teeth (or anything else out of the ordinary occurs) we are to call the doctor's cell phone immediately because this would signal a drop in her platelets.  

The treatment for ITP is somewhat controversial.  Some prefer an observation approach and others prefer a medicate approach.  Luckily her doctor is leaning towards the observation approach at this time.  We will take it step by step after each platelet count is taken.  The good news in all of this is that often times ITP in children will clear itself up within a few months.  We pray this is the case for Hadlie.  

Right now there are many unknowns.  One thing is for sure, we have been blessed beyond measure that her diagnosis was not worse.  So while I am sad that my daughter cannot do the things she loves (soccer, gymnastics, be the wild woman she typically is), I am grateful that one day she will be able to do those things again.  I feel blessed beyond measure, and I have no doubt that today was us seeing Gods "mercies in disguise."

Our Year - 2011

This past year has been filled with many struggles, many joys, and multiple MIRACLES!  We are thankful for the opportunity to experience each of these things.  It has helped us to grow individually and as a family.  It has taught us what is truly important in this lifetime.  And it has allowed us all to grow in our faith, as we prepare for our eternity.  Wishing you all a wonderful 2012!


Today, my little friends will be my "guest bloggers" sharing with you their thoughts and favorite moments from 2011 (with some spelling help from Mom as needed).

 JACOB

My favorite parts of 2011 were going to Medieval times with my dad and Jessica in July and starting basketball with Pop.  I liked going to my dad's work to play basketball.  I also liked going to Bass Pro.  My sisters and I went to a lot of places this year and did a lot of fun things!  Me and Lexie got iPod Touches for Christmas. I went to my friend's house for a sleepover. This year was great. Oklahoma beat Iowa. My mom and I bought Santa some cookies. We ate some of Santa's cookies. Me and Chad boxed. Me and my brothers played Legos. I played some computers. I finished soccer a couple months ago.  I can't wait for next year!






LEXIE

My favorite part about 2011 was being with my family. I enjoyed celebrating with my friends & family, going to gym meets & doing Girl Scout things, and going to the nursing home. My mom, dad, and Nayna took us to Bass Pro lots of times to do activities and see Santa. We went swimming and to movies. We got to travel to Oklahoma and stay in hotels.  I also had a Hollywood birthday party!  I wonder what's next for next year. I'll just have to wait. Anyway this year was fantastic, awesome, great, and all those things. It was also a little crazy since everyone was here. But like I said before the best part was being with my family. Thank you God for 2011 & thank you Jesus for the best year of my life. God & Jesus bless everyone. Thank you.







HADLIE 


Hadlie had quite the eventful year!  She started gymnastics and soccer.  Both of which she loves!  She no longer attends daycare and spends her time with Daddy, Mommy, or Popo.  This has been wonderful for her to get to spend this time at home developing at her overly accelerated pace and keeping us all on our toes!  In May, she got her stitches.  She now has a scar on her face, but it has healed better than we expected.  She turned 2 in September.  Hadlie loves to swim, play, jump, and make people laugh.  She is constantly saying, "That funny" or "I just kidding".  She's definitely full of personality!  Hadlie has enjoyed getting to tag along to all of the "big kids" activities.  Mostly because she simply ADORES her brother and sister!  Hadlie loves going to church and singing church songs.  And she loves constantly changing her outfits!  She's just been so much fun this year!  I know that we are all looking forward to seeing her little personality continue to develop in 2012.

Our First Elf on the Shelf Experience

The night he arrived!

This was our first year to have Ollie, our Elf on the Shelf.  He arrived at our doorstep on Friday, December 2 while we were in the middle of writing letters to Santa.  The kids were thrilled! 

We have truly enjoyed having Ollie here.  The kids wake up excited to find him.  Hadlie wants so badly to touch him!  And I've enjoyed thinking of things for him to do.  Some nights are carefully planned out.  Others are spur of the moment.  Some nights I've woken abruptly at 3 or 4 AM remembering that I forgot to move him.  Those are the nights he's simply hiding in a new spot!


I know many are concerned that the Elf on the Shelf is one more thing to take away the focus of celebrating Jesus this time of year.  For us, that is not a problem.  Our children are well versed in the story of Jesus' birth.  Ollie is not used as a reminder to be good.  Our focus is still the same: God is always watching.  Make sure your choices are honoring and pleasing Him.  Ollie is simply another childhood memory.  Another way to cherish the precious moments we've been given with our children ... another thing to make them smile!  


I look forward to seeing Ollie again next year.  Until then, this is what he will leave for the kids tomorrow as he heads back to the North Pole for another year... I share it with you:

Some of Ollie's other adventures included...

Taking Barbie for a ride... yee haw!

A nice relaxing puzzle!

Getting a little fishing in!

Roasting some marshmallows

Eating our cookies & drinking chocolate milk!

TP the Christmas Tree

Rice Angel

 

 

Elf donuts, anyone?

Drawing on the family pictures

Driving mom's car, and doing a horrible parking job in the driveway!

Cuddling in Lexie's bed while she and Hadlie were out of town!

Outrageous Ollie to the rescue!

White Queso Dip

I found a recipe for White Queso dip on Pinterest so I decided to give it a whirl.  I did change it up a bit because... well, I can.  So here is what I did, and it was oh so yummy!

Ingredients:

• 1 pound of white American cheese (got the Kroger brand from the deli)
• 1/4 cup of Monterey Jack cheese
• 1 can of Rotel with lime and cilantro (drained the juices)
• 1/4 cup of onion
• Half and half 
• 1 Tbs. Olive Oil

Steps to White Queso Dip Bliss:

• Shred all cheeses (don't buy the already shredded kind and cheat)
• Chop onion (I use a choppy thing so it gets chopped really fine)
• Heat olive oil in a sauce pan on med. heat
• Add onions and saute them on med. low heat
• Add 1/4 cup of half and half and Rotel
• Put in all cheeses and stir your heart out until it's all melted!
• Add half and half as needed until you reach your desired consistency

Options (which I will use next time on half of the recipe because some of us like a spicier dip):

•  Seed and dice one jalapeno (I'll use the choppy thing on this as well) and throw it in with everything else!

My own little picture of a chip and the queso!

It was easy breezy and super yummy!  It was also fine to throw in the microwave and reheat as needed!  For the Pinterest version (which is very similar) visit this site.


Hope you enjoy!