The past couple of days have been doozies in Step Mom Land. My patience has been tried, my nerves have been frazzled, and my ability to be pleasant is quickly fading. Now don't get me wrong... I love my step son, Jacob. In fact, I don't care for the word "step" at all. (I assume most blended families probably feel the same way.) When we refer to our family, our children, we never use the world "step". He is my son. He is the brother of my children. I would do anything for him, just as I would my children.
So a little background... I met Jacob shortly before he turned 3 years old. He has always had what I consider to be "quirks". Some I feel need to be looked into professionally, others I feel are a direct result of primarily living with his mother. This theory continues to be proven the more I'm around him.
Anyway, his mother has never wanted me to be with Josh. I don't take this personally because I think she would feel this way about any girl that he would have been serious about after her. I just happened to be the first one. When I first met Josh he had 50/50 custody of Jacob. There was no court order. Shortly after we met he was in an accident and could not care for himself much less Jacob. He began to have him less (for obvious reasons) and after much discussion we felt it would be best for Jacob's future to not be passed back and forth so much as he got older and started school. A court order was made giving her primary physical custody. However, Josh blindly signed it (stupid on his part) and gave up more time than he should have. At the time his mom had no life except Jacob. She appeared to be very into all that being a mother entailed so this seemed like an okay decision.
Hindsight is 20/20, and we now realize giving up 50/50 custody was mistake number one. Josh not showing an attorney (or me for that matter) that court order before he signed it was mistake number two. So currently we are left with a court order that gives Josh less than standard visitation, and a mother who seems to have lost interest in being a mom.
Jacob currently lives with his mother most of the time, his step-dad, and two of his five children. When he is not there, he is with us. Me, Josh, and our daughters, Lexie and Hadlie. Needless to say he has two very extreme home lives, and as he goes back and forth so does his personality.
Over the four and a half years I have known him, I have had several concerns. Jacob is extremely shy and withdrawn. He struggles making friends, and often chooses children to play with who are bullies and do not treat him kindly. When playing with children his own age, often times he is very awkward in his interactions. However, he is able to play fine with Lexie. I attribute that to the great amount of time they spend together. I can only assume he is probably able to interact "normally" with his other step-siblings as well. Jacob thrives in a routine (and I mean that in a more extreme way than saying my two year old thrives in a routine). He likes his toys lined up. He plugs his ears at loud noises. He walks on his toes (at age seven). I could go on and on, but you get the idea.
I do not write these things to in any way degrade or devalue Jacob. I write them to express where we are coming from. To express our struggle... our small victories along the way. I spend countless hours with him when he is with me battling each of these things one step at a time. And I am proud to say we have seen tremendous progress. Especially over the summer when we had him for an extended period of time. However, our biggest struggle is his mother and the environment she provides for him.
Now anyone who knows me knows my obsession with my children. Everything I do is for them. I'm the overprotective, over involved, over indulgent... you get the idea... mom. Jacob's mother is more of the passive type parent. She is the "If his grades are good and he is fed, what does it really matter if his clothes fit right" type of mom. I'm sure they'll be more details about my experiences with her at another time. So hopefully you get the point... polar opposites.
Over the years I've gone back and forth on my involvement in Jacob's life. Is it better to try to be involved or not be involved? Is it better to walk away and just let him be the kid that visits on the weekend? Is it too hard on him to bring him back and forth when he is so used to his mom's way of doing things? Perhaps we should back out all together and let him be there and us stay out of things? Perhaps we should try to get custody? Maybe at the end of the day we really just don't know what to do... and that's pretty much where we have been left. We realize that it's a struggle at times. Being a part of his life is definitely not the easy way out. It's not easy for us or for him, and it's probably not easy on his mom either.
So moving on... over the summer we had Jacob for a month. During that time provided Jacob the opportunity to be in many "growth" type situations, and I am proud to say that he thrived! He went from completely shutting down when adults talked to him to being able to be a greeter at my granddad's 80th birthday party. He went from playing around and talking in his Kung Fu class to being one of the top students. He went from being withdrawn and scared of confrontation to being able to speak up when he doesn't like something or has an opinion that he wants to share. All in all, huge victories for just 30 days of time together. So you can imagine how excited I was when he came back for the weekend this past Friday and all of these positive behaviors continued. (I expected regression from being at his mom's.) On top of that the confirmation from other who had noticed progress in Jacob had me just elated!
So here it is Monday. Jacob is at his mom's house, and we have been texting/talking back and forth throughout the day. And what happens?? My Kung Fu star... my child who spent his exercise time each morning practicing his Kung Fu... the boy who was willing to give up swimming to go to Kung Fu, tells me that he doesn't want to go today. He wants to have family time at his mom's. Immediately I knew something was up. First of all, why should this have been a choice? He made the commitment to be in the class. There should be no discussion of whether or not he wants to go. His mother should just see to it that he goes. Secondly, like I stated before, he loves Kung Fu. What has prompted him to decide he wants family time instead of going to class? Needless to say I'm baffled. So I talk to him and tell him that I'm sad he decided not to go, and I'm disappointed that he's choosing not to stick to his commitment. Conversations I know won't be had at his current location. Then I follow it up with a text letting him know I love him and that I'm not mad at him.
But I am mad... I'm furious. Furious at his mother. I know that's where the problem started. After all, he was given the choice of going or not going. Parenting mistake number one. And to be honest, I have no doubt it was presented in a way that hinted she did not want to go or that she would provide an alternate "more fun" activity. Because the bottom line is, she's lazy.
More than anything I'm bothered because I realize that all of the progress we made this summer is only progress here. My precious boy who has grown so much has only grown so much here. He may stand up to me and his father, but he is still afraid of his mother. Still afraid to tell her what he really wants. He still claims her desires as his own all in an effort to please her. I doubt she notices or that she cares as long as she is not bothered. That's just how she is.
So after much conversation and Josh putting a little pressure on, the situation was resolved... at least the Kung Fu part. Jacob ended up going. And his mom is officially watching for the 2nd time. As for getting him to stand up to his mom, stick to his commitments, etc... well, that will require more work.
It's been a long weekend... yesterday her parents and today her. Sadly, I see no end in sight. It's a good thing I love this kid and his dad because I'm a girl with low tolerance and little patience. Well, that's all for today. Kudos to you if you stuck with it. More on "Struggles of Being a Step Mom" later!!
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