Struggles of Being a Step Mom - It's a Fine Line

One of the hardest parts of being a step parent (or having a blended family) is when you disagree with choices that the "other parent" is making.  It is a constant struggle of stepping back and allowing them to parent how they see fit and protecting your child.  Often it is a fine line that can be easily crossed.  So we try to remind ourselves often that we are not perfect parents.  Our heavenly Father is the only perfect parent there is, and it is Him that we should let judge how we've handled the task that he's entrusted us with... the task of parenting.  

Lately, we've had many struggles with the "other parent" in our situation.  It started when my step son started telling us he wanted to live here.  I think deep down all of us knew that day would eventually come, but I will admit that we were all surprised that it came so soon.  

Let me get off track here by saying that we've always felt it would be in my step son's best interest to be with us.  While his mother has done better in parenting the last nine months, she is still way to preoccupied with things that don't involve being a parent.  Her improvements seem to be based entirely upon not wanting us to do something that she doesn't do.  While her mimicking our parenting style has been beneficial to my step son, it is obvious to all of us (including him) that she isn't doing it because it's what she feels called to do.  She is doing it because she is desperately trying to keep up with his life here.  And in all fairness, she can't possibly come close to doing that.  We live different lifestyles.  We make different choices.  We have entirely different situations.  When she learns to embrace those differences she will have the relationship with my step son that she's struggling to hold on to.  

That leads me back into him wanting to live here.  It made sense to us.  It made sense to him.  He wanted more time with his dad.  He would have it.  He wanted to have his dad coach his sports teams.  That would be possible.  (It isn't currently possible due to the 45 minute drive that lies between us.)  He is a smart kid who needs to be challenged.  Our home school performs very well academically and has great programs for kids like him.  He wants someone to be home when he gets home from school.  Someone is always here.  With every reason that he had for wanting to be with us we were able to say, "Okay.  We can do that."  Because those were just normal things in our every day lives.  So after much prayer, thought, consideration, and playing devil's advocate we sat down to talk to her.  And of course, she said no.  Understandable because that's her child.  Baffling because she is denying her child of something that he wants and that would be in his best interest.  She had no argument against it being the better place for him.  She simply didn't think he was old enough to make that decision.  While I disagree (because children understand far more than we think), she is old enough to make that decision.  She is old enough to look at all the factors and look at it objectively.  Willing?  Obviously not.  Capable?  Certainly.  

While her "no" to him living here was frustrating and disheartening, we moved forward.  After all, we could lay our heads down at night knowing we had done what was best for him.  She would lay down each night knowing her son wanted to be somewhere else.  Her cross to bear.  Our hearts were at peace other than feeling broken and helpless for my step son.  

My step son was quite bummed at his mother's decision.  Just yesterday I found him in his room sitting all alone.  When I inquired about what was on his mind he replied, "I just really wish I could live here."  So after a discussion on just really enjoying the time he had here and praying that God would touch his mom's heart to truly listen to his desires, we moved on.  However, since finding out about his mother saying no he has asked repeatedly to still play sports out here with his dad.  While this makes our lives quite complex, we could not possibly say no.  Not when his desires were so clear.  So we asked her about this.  Again, she said no.

In addition to her not wanting him to play sports out here she has gradually began taking away time that she had never before wanted or requested.  An odd thing to do when you know your child is wanting more time with the other parent.  We came to the conclusion that this wasn't about my step son.  It never really was.  It is about her having control, and her desperate attempt to hang on to what she has left of it.  It is about her realizing that the more time he spends here, the more he wants to be here permanently.  It appears that by taking away some of his time here she is attempting to create the opposite effect.  Less time with dad.  Less desire to live with dad.  

At this point we became angry.  Her selfish decisions and attempts to hurt us have done nothing but hurt the child she should so desperately try to protect.  She is not thinking of her child, she is thinking of her own selfish desires.  And while we are extremely sympathetic to her wanting to hang on to every moment she can with him (knowing that as he continues to get older he will want to be with his dad more), she has never cited that as a reason for these decisions.  Because that we can understand.  So we are left with, "He's not old enough to make that decision," and, "We can show him how to be an adult better than you can."

And that leads me here... we recently found out some information about her husband.  Some very unsettling information.  Finding out that she moved a married man into her home and then married him three months after his divorce (rebound?!?) and finding out he has a criminal history so this married man she moved into her home also came with a past and probation.  All mere weeks after meeting him online with a small child in her home.  

So this is where that fine line of things really becomes hard not to cross.  We are not upset with this man for his past.  We all have one.  His past is not ours to judge.  We believe that people deserve second chances, and that after being properly rehabilitated (fulfilling your entire probation/parole/counseling/etc.) you should be given that chance.  Our issue is with that fact that one, she never mentioned this to us.  Granted, she wasn't required to give us notice of this by the courts or anything, but after we've been so forthcoming with her it is disappointing to see she hasn't done the same for us.  Secondly, she brought this man into her home... my step son's home.  This wasn't a decision that only affected her.  This was a decision that affected a child.  What if she was wrong about this man she'd met online and only known a matter of weeks?  Did that thought cross her mind?  What about the fact that he was married?  What kind of example did that set?  Is that how she is going to show him how to be an adult?  Moving someone else's husband into her home... Again, the fine line between protecting our child and allowing her to parent as she sees fit.  

We are not perfect parents.  I cannot possibly express that enough.  We make mistakes.  Probably more than most.  We do selfish things.  We lose our patience.  We definitely have a long way to go before we'll be winning any awards.  But we try hard.  And I think that's why this situation has been so unsettling for us.  We aren't sure what to do.  While they are free to live their life as they see fit, we have strong feelings about the type of man we want my step son to grow up to be, and they aren't providing that example.  

At this point our hands are somewhat tied.  We will continue to do our best to protect him from the life that's been chosen for him at his mother's house.  And we will continue to be the best parents we can be.  All while walking this fine line.  Sometimes crossing it.  Sometimes rocking the boat more than we should.  Sometimes pouring out the raw truth and causing hurt feelings.  But all the time doing what we feel is in the best interest of the precious boy that we love so much.  

Father's Day

Father's Day is today.  A day to celebrate the men, the fathers, in my life (and my children's lives) who make such a difference.


My dad.  Byron Gilbert Dunn.  A man with integrity and dignity.  A man with pride, but the ability to put it aside when necessary.  A man with a gracious and loving heart.  A man who forgives.  A man who loves unconditionally.  A man who accepts everyone for who they are.  A man who makes you laugh until you cry.  A man who is always there to dry your tears.  A man, who undoubtedly, has faith in God and is patient with His plans.  A man to admire.  A man to honor.  The only man I'll ever need in my earthly life.


Josh.  My love.  My heart and soul.  My best friend.  For 3 years Father's Day was always bittersweet.  It was a reminder of all the men in my daughter's life who loved her and supported her, but still lingering were thoughts of the man who was supposed to love her and be there for her that wasn't.  And there is no pain quite like knowing your child is not loved in the way she should be by her father.  Then came Josh.  He loved my daughter.  He treated her as his own.  Her became her Daddy.  And with that comes feelings that words cannot express.  Just thinking about what Josh has done for her makes my throat tight and my heart full.  Because of him, my sweet girl, has a Daddy.  Her very own Daddy.  A Daddy that will never leave her.  A Daddy that will always love her.  A Daddy that is teaching her what type of man she should allow to steal her heart one day.  I can without a doubt say that the greatest gift God has given my daughter was bringing Josh into our lives.  I have found immeasurable pleasure in seeing the father Josh has become to our three children over the last 5 1/2 years.  He continues to grow in this journey of parenting, and there are three beautiful children who have reaped the rewards of his selfless efforts.  I could not be more grateful for the front row seat God has given me to witness the relationship between my children and their Daddy.


My Granddaddy.  Those who are lucky enough to know my grandfather know the great man that he is.  A man of God who has been father, grandfather, mentor, and friend to many.  As his favorite granddaughter, I have numerous memories and countless things to say about this great man.  But what I want the world to know, is that my Granddaddy is the type of man that you meet and you are forever changed.  After knowing him, you carry a piece of him in your heart that is with you always.  Two daughters by birth, one who grew in his heart, seven grandchildren, and seven great-grandchildren... and I'm still his favorite.  That's enough for me to know he's a darn good man!  :)


The other men in my life and my children's lives.  There are many men who make a difference in the life of my family.  My Pa Bob.  He is my dad's step-father, but we've never seen him as a "step" anything.  He is our grandfather.  He has loved us and our children unconditionally.  Our childhood is filled of memories learning to play blackjack and laughing at our Pa Bob.  He is a blessing.

Our neighbor who is not only a wonderful father to his boys, but a father figure to any who may need it.  He's always ready to help when needed, celebrate our children's accomplishments, or throw a ball to an eager child.  He is a blessing.


My step-son's maternal grandfather.  While I have no direct connection with this man, I am forever grateful for his presence in my son's life.  He has given Jacob a father figure when he is not with us.  He has been involved in his life.  And he has always been so kind to our family.  There are two men that my son speaks about with true admiration, and this man is one of them.  He is a blessing.


Day in and day out we are blessed by wonderful father's.  Both in our home and in our community.  Some of them coach our kids teams, others teach Sunday School, and some a friends who are ready with smiles and high fives whenever we greet them.  Each of them is a blessing in our life.  

I read an article the other day that stated, "A father's love contributes as much -- and sometimes more -- to a child's development as does a mother's love."  Something we so often overlook.  So today, I am so thankful to celebrate all of these wonderful men who have made myself and my children the people we are today.  And my heart is filled with joy to celebrate the Father who gave us all of these blessings here are earth.  Because without a doubt, His love is more than a contribution to our development... it is an absolute necessity.