I've debated how much of this we would share because really there isn't a lot to say, and we have more questions than we do answers. However, we have good people in our lives who really love us and our family, and this seems the easiest avenue to keep everyone updated on Baby 4.
Those of you on Facebook or who have talked to us lately are aware that a few weeks ago there was some concern about the size of Baby 4. So we waited a couple of weeks and we had a sonogram to determine if this was a concern that needed to be validated or not. At that sonogram our OB measured Baby 4 to be in the less than third percentile. This came with a referral to a perinatologist.
So Thursday (at exactly 33 weeks) we went to our first visit with the perinatologist. Now I should be honest and admit that I really was not worried about this appointment. I assumed we'd go and she'd look at the baby and say, "Yep. Baby is small, but so were your other babies. However, all is well. It was nice to meet you. Oh, and don't forget to take these pictures of your cute little munchkin."
But it didn't go exactly like that. For one she did not use words like munchkin. She was much more sophisticated and official than that. Instead she said words to us like chromosomal abnormalities and still birth. Which was not at all how I pictured this visit going.
She wrapped it all up with our new care plan of once a week sonograms, three times daily kick counts (10 movements per hour), and our regular visits with the OB as well. I thought she was going to set me ablaze with her eyes when she asked what type of job I had. Yeah, needless to say my new day will consist of going to work and sitting (no more coaching or moving really at all) and then coming home and doing nothing. Then she told me how her goal is to keep the baby in until 37 weeks, but she will decide week to week how that will go. So just to be sure she was really serious about all this news she'd thrown my way, I asked her if I could travel (since Lexie has an out of town meet coming up), and she said, "Um, no. Once you are considered high risk you do not get to go anywhere."
Ohhhh... so this is a high risk thing?!? I hadn't really put all that together. Then it all started to sink in. "Yes, that's right... She said chromosomal abnormalities and still birth. Oh wait, and she said I can't do anything. But my kids have activities." It all just started to get jumbled in my mind because that's what things do to me. So we made appointments for the next few weeks, and we were on our way.
On the way home Josh suggested that we find out the sex of the baby. He didn't say it, but I was sure he was thinking it was because our baby could die before it was ever born. She did say there was a very high risk of that in tiny babies. Maybe he was putting those pieces together. So I said maybe we should find out too. Just to take one element of surprise away and to allow us to bond better with the baby. Maybe if we love it better then it will be okay. Maybe if I wouldn't have been so devastated at finding out I was pregnant then it would be okay.
And that's how my mind works. In a big jumbled mess. And usually it just spirals out of control until I have a complete emotional melt down and completely fall apart. Then my precious husband comes and puts me back together. But I knew yesterday was the day for quiet tears and sleep. He was processing too. It wasn't fair to lose it on him yet.
I felt better after I slept. And I started to think more rationally. The doctor did say at the very beginning of our appointment the words I'm going to hang on to, believe in, and pray for... "There is a chance that the baby is perfectly healthy, but just small."
So I ask that you join my family and I in prayer that this chance is reality for Baby 4, and that I will keep what's left of my sanity. And please pray for my husband who would never let one know he is worried about a thing, but he loves this baby too and has from day one.
I will update again next week. I'm sure it will be short and sweet. And hopefully it will say, "Baby 4 has miraculously grown to normal baby size!" Thank you for your love and support, sweet friends!
