Disney Dad

I've been doing some research on why children with unmarried parents prefer to live with their fathers.  Basically I've been curious to whether it's a gender preference, an age thing, etc.  Obviously this is not always the case, kids wanting to live with their dads, that is.  But in our home it is, so I wanted to know why.  That's just how I function.  I have to know the why... the science... whatever behind it.  Not that I don't believe my children or trust their feelings, but I know research has been done on this so I was curious to what it said.  So I've read everything I can find.  Scientific research, op ed pieces, web forums... you name it, I've read it!

As I begin to look into this, an alarming trend appeared from women.  (Mostly in web forums, but also some op ed pieces as well.)  Women claimed over and over again their child only wanted to live with their ex because their ex was what many refer to us a "Disney Dad" or "Uncle Dad".  This meaning, the dad is just around for the fun and not the actual parenting.  This infuriated me for many reasons so I'm putting it out there in the world that this girl right here (one biological and step mom) thinks women believing this might actually be fooling themselves instead of just accepting the fact that their child's needs are changing.  I'll use my home as my example.

My step son comes here to visit.  The visitation my husband was given was 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends; Thursdays during the school year; 30 days during summer in addition to weekends; school holidays rotating each year.  So starting off the courts have set dad's up to have children during "quality time" periods.  These are generally times when the father and children do not have work or school obligations as frequently.  Thus, creating the perception that dad only does the fun stuff.  Well, court system and ladies, we've set it up to be this way.  It has been proven that the non-custodial parent actually has more "quality time" with the child than the custodial parent in custody situations such as ours.  Most of the hours the child has in the custodial household are spent sleeping and at school.  Once you add in homework, dinner, and extra curricular activities your "quality time" has been lost in the day to day life.  But remember, this arrangement is what you wanted.

Camping with the girls while J-Man was making memories
with his Mom over Memorial Day weekend!

Now to dispel the myth that all that happens at the non-custodial house is fun and play.  Well, maybe in some homes, but not in ours (or anyone that I know).  We have lives just like the rest of you.  We have a marriage and other children.  We have a world that was spinning while we didn't have my step son here.  It did not stop when he left our home to await his return.  And when he does return each time there are still toys to be picked up, practices to attend, church obligations, and yep... date nights or alone time that don't involve any of our kids.  

Oh, and those weekday visits (including the summer).  Well, we still have to go to work.  It's funny how that goes.  I will say in our home, we are very fortunate.  The kids are cared for by their grandparents in our absence.  Their routine does not differ.  Also, my husband and I have flexible work schedules.  So the children are never left more than a few hours at a time and a maximum of four days a week.  However, that has nothing to do with my step son's visitation schedule.  This is the life we chose because we have three children who need us to be present in their lives.  

Sometimes being a "good dad" means
throwing batting practice!

In addition to us working year round, the school year brings extra challenges because you add in homework and earlier bed times.  This lessens the amount of "fun" time that anyone is having.  And usually means that this mom is counting the minutes until bedtime due to pure exhaustion.

I know it may seem ideal and be easier on the hearts of mom's around the world to think that dad's house is all fun and games.  And I'd imagine that sometimes it really is more fun.  But that's not because dad is trying to one up you.  He's simply being himself.  Research has shown that dad's play more frequently with their children.  Dad's do parenting differently.  It's taken me a long time to realize this (okay, so I'm still working on it), but this is okay and *gasp* good for the children!

My research has nothing to do with this topic, but I just couldn't read another post by some mom about how her child only wanted to live with dad because he was a "Disney Dad".  It made me feel all defensive.  And in full disclosure, my husband has never been accused of this
by his ex so it's not even personal.  More so it just irritated me for father's everywhere.  

And sometimes being a "good dad" means time alone
with Mama!  

I've noticed a huge movement by father's trying to prove they are just as vital as mother's.  Research has backed this up time and time again.  As women we have to support this notion that they matter just as much as mother's do.  Someday our son's will grow up, and we live in a fallen world.  They may find themselves in circumstances which require them to defend their ability to parent equally.  If we are not paving the way for them to have this opportunity now, then we are doing them an injustice.  

My step son wants to live with his dad.  And I may not understand all the reasoning behind it, but there is one thing that is for certain... it's not because he's a "Disney Dad".  Let's stop using that as our defense and start looking at the million other reasons research and our children are telling us might possibly be the case.