TransparentME: Saving Us

The Husband and I have been together for eight years (on New Year's Day).  Only two (and some months) of that have we actually been married.  Those who know our story, know that we rode a roller coaster that should never be ridden before finally getting off at the marriage stop.  We went through things that end friendships, relationships, and marriages.  It wasn't always easy.  Many days (weeks and months) were touch and go.  Needless to say, we survived it, and we haven't killed each other yet.

Knowing the crazy we've been through it always takes me by surprise when couples reach out to us for support and advice.  This happens quite often.  Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops, "We are the total wrong people to ask!  We clearly have no idea what we are doing!  Have you watched these last eight years!?!"  Then another part of me feels like we have so much to offer because we have survived the world of betrayal, deceit, hurt, and the hardest... forgiveness.

However, our solution is not one everyone is ready and willing to make.  It has been one of (painful at times) personal growth, and it has been such an overwhelming spiritual journey for us both.  But I have been feeling very called to write this blog lately as so many people in our lives seem to need to hear our journey.

I want to preface this by saying, that not all relationships are "meant to be".  I do not condone abuse or mistreatment.  If you are not married, and these are issues you are facing then I will always recommend getting out.  I also want to say that I believe in marriage.  If you have made the commitment to be married, I believe that both parties should be committed to making it work.  If they are not, then my experience will not be helpful.  My personal experience is of two people who were willing to put in the work, and quite frankly, too prideful to give up.  But at no time in our journey have either of us put the other one in any physical danger.  This is simply something that requires professional help.

The Husband and I met in a single parents group.  We began talking and getting to know each other.  It seemed there was some interest on both parts after hanging out.  So we kicked our relationship off with a bang.  Eight years ago, on New Year's Eve, I went to work and Hubs went out with some of our other single parent friends.  He kissed another girl at midnight, and then asked me on a date the next day.  There was no real commitment so I ignored the red flags and let it slide.  We decided on New Year's Day to be a couple.  That same day we both left our date to plans we had already made with our exes.  He headed off to ski, and I headed to Oklahoma.  So here we are, one day into this "relationship" and we both were not exactly faithful on these trips.  What a way to start things off, huh?!?

This set the preface for the next stage in our relationship.  A lot of secrets, lies, dating other people, hurting each other, and always always always coming back together for more of the same torture.  I wish I had a real answer as to why we continued this pattern, and even more so, I wish I had an answer for why we kept trying.  It was so frustrating and confusing at the time.  I honestly felt like my heart was betraying me by loving him.  In all honesty, I wouldn't recommend that ANYONE stay in a situation like this.  It was detrimental to both of us emotionally, and the healing process took a long time.  After all, trust is not easily rebuilt.

I know it sounds like this was a complete tortuous time for us.  So I hope it goes without saying that in between all of this we had so many good times.  It's hard to leave when the good is REALLY GOOD.  

To complicate things even more we had children involved that we loved dearly.  To walk away would have hurt so many.  So one day we decided that leaving wasn't an option.  We knew something had to change so we started in the places we knew how.  We took leaving off the table.  It was no longer an option.  However, we couldn't continue to function in the selfish ways we were both so accustomed.  It simply wasn't fair to anyone involved.  I don't think either of us really knew what we were doing or what we even needed to do.  But we sure weren't quitting.

Now, when you get to the point that you are wide open and ready for change but you really aren't sure where to go it's like God gets so giddy up there in Heaven.  Both separately and together God took opportunities to reach into our open hearts.  And I swear to you the transformation was visible not only to us but to others around us.  Through His work we both realized that it was no longer about us.  He focused our attention to Him and we began to seek His plan for us and our family.  

I'll be honest, we are still new at this whole putting God first thing.  We are only a few years in, and it's hard!  Old habits aren't easy to kick, and there are times it's so easy to fall back into spewing hateful words or belittling each other.  I do have to admit, Hubby is much better than I am at maintaining his focus.  I'm always quicker to anger or just become irritated.  (Husband has the patience of a saint.)  But the complete dynamic of our relationship is different.  

I know that not everyone is ready to hand their relationship over to God.  I'm a complete control freak so I get it!  It's hard to say, "Here God, I know you've got this."  But it's really the only answer I have to how Husband and I have become "that couple".  There is security in being loved by a man who loves God more than he loves me.  There is comfort in being in a marriage where you know you are being prayed for every single day.  And there is complete and utter bliss in knowing and believing from the bottom of my heart that when we decided leaving was no longer an option, that it now means for eternity.  I literally will spend FOREVER with my husband.  That totally blows my mind!  (And it's probably a good thing I have so long to get it right.)

I can suggest making your relationship a priority over your kids.  I can suggest date nights, love notes, sweet texts, and making sex a priority.  Those are all things that I believe in 110%.  But those aren't the reason my marriage is what it is.  Those are just the bonuses!

So at the end of the day here is my advice... if you are single, establish your relationship with God.  Seek a Godly man, and do not waiver in this.  (It's much easier to start on the right track.)  If you are in a relationship, make a commitment to make God your priority.  It can start off as simple as attending church together.  Baby steps are still steps.  And if you are married... it's hard.  Marriage is so hard.  So you have to work even harder.  Seek help from a trusted friend or counselor who is also a believer.  Pray for your marriage and ask others to also.  But making this change where your relationship is God centered is an absolute priority.  Your marriage is your ministry.  Nurture it as such.

Hubby and I are always honored to pray for your relationship or marriage.  We hope that we can serve as a Godly couple in your life as these relationships are important to have.  If there is something we can do, please let us know.  

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."  - Ecclesiastes 4:12

Rainbow Dash

They had all the components to make a Rainbow Dash costume at Party City.  There was a full blown Pinkie Pie costume in her size.  I thought surely we would be set, and I would have escaped making a Halloween costume this year.  But when those big blue eyes look at you and say, "I want you to make it."  Well, by God, you make a Rainbow Dash costume.

There probably isn't supposed to be profanity along the way, but there was.  There probably wasn't supposed to be three trips to Hobby Lobby involved either,  but there was that too.  How could one little pony, excuse me... Pegasus, be such a pain in the butt?!?  

I started with this fantastic model, a crap ton of tulle, scissors, ribbon, some glue, and just enough crazy to think I would tackle this in no time. Honestly, I feel like this is the point in which someone should have reminded me that I hate making tutus.  It's tedious and time consuming.  Tulle is a... well, not fun... to work with.  Plus, with this whole pregnancy thing I've taken on, my patience is at a negative number.  (If that's a thing.  I'm pretty sure it is.)

So I cut and cut and started tying my little heart out.  (Shout out to Bitty for holding the ribbon while I tied.)  It wasn't long before I realized that I didn't have near enough tulle to finish this skirt.  I contemplated making wider tail to make up for it, but then I realized having a tail wider than her butt might not be the look I was going for.  Then I'd just be mad at myself for taking a short cut, and I'd go back and redo it.  Cue the phone call to Husband.

Husband was out searching the town for a light blue leotard.  I could tell he was eager to head back to Hobby Lobby to get more tulle for me, so in an effort to make his day even brighter I went ahead and asked for a piece of felt also.  He sends me pics to make sure he got the right stuff.  (Such a gem Husband is.)  I tell him I can't really tell in the pictures if it's what I want, but it seems okay.

Sweet Husband gets home and the tulle he got was HORRIBLY wrong.  It wasn't even blue.  I'm not sure what he was thinking.  Bless his heart.  That meant he had to go back.  But since Husband loves Hobby Lobby and crafty women and running my errands... well, who am I to stop him?!?  

In the mean time, I put together some ears for this costume.  I had everything I needed for that.  And I got the "cutie mark" completed.  (Thank you second trip to Hobby Lobby and the felt request.)  I was pretty proud.  It was looking somewhat like my model.

Well, the third time's a charm.  Finally enough tulle in the right color.  Husband has become a hit with the Hobby Lobby ladies after his third trip.  They built his ego claiming him to be a "saint" and me the "lucky wife".  Whatever... I got my tulle.

The show goes on.  THREE.  HOURS.  LATER.  I finished this Rainbow Dash costume.  I tried it on her because I'll be damned if Halloween night comes and that costume doesn't work like a freakin' charm!  I immediately decided I put too much work into it for her to wear to her Halloween party tomorrow night.  (That'll teach her to turn down the Party City costume!)  So here we are.  Ghetto rigged as all get out, but by God.... SHE'S RAINBOW DASH!

My mom sees her and excitedly exclaims, "You're a cat!!"

Processing

In yesterday's post I filled everyone in on our latest surprise, THE BABY!  Today, I thought I'd share a little more about how I have processed it all.  It's been extremely hard not to write and share my feelings as this has all been happening because that is how I process.  The writing it down is cathartic, and the sharing it holds me accountable to my feelings.  It requires me to process them and face them rather than push them aside.

I know that many of you who know me personally also know that surprises and I go together about as well as oil and water.  Needless to say, this has been a transition for me.

I guess I should back track a little.  Josh and I had been working hard on some life plans and goals that we had set.  I had just settled in to that feeling that things were going in the right direction.  I truly felt like big things were about to happen for us.  (Clearly, I just had NO IDEA!)  We had short term plans of moving and making some changes for the big kids, and we had long term plans of raising these kids and opening our home to fostering and adoption.  

In the instant it took to pee on that stick, I could feel my entire world shifting out of it's comfort zone.  Now in all fairness, my comfort zone is quite small.  I like routine and predictability.  The only spontaneity I'm up for is that in which I impulsively concoct and con my ever patient husband into.  I'm a creature of habit... a homebody... and generally pretty boring.

It was extremely hard to maintain my composure as I told my husband and close family and friends about our news.  I am a firm believer that life begins at conception.  I believe in God's plan.  I believe that babies are a blessing... always.  I hold so many beliefs that were being tested.  And then the fear... oh the fear!  If I didn't instantly attach to this baby quick enough would God take it from me?  Was I even worthy to be it's mother when I'm so unsure about my feelings?  I knew these feelings were irrational.  God doesn't take babies.  But that's how my mind works... impulsive and irrational.  That's me.

After some tears and deep reflection I had to mourn the loss of the dreams I currently had.  The changes that would not come at this time.  The children I wanted to love and care for that would not be mine.  I had to realize I could still do all the things I wanted to do, but perhaps it would look differently.  God had a different plan for our family, and I had to trust in that.  Obviously, that is not always my strength.

Now I'm at a place where I'm feeling much better about things.  There are still days this all seems so surreal.  I've accepted the fact that my feelings are real and okay.  I know that history shows that it takes me awhile to bond with my babies in utero.  (I think this this is partly due to feeling sick and tired all the time.)  But I can still be a good mother.  I'm still worthy of having children to love and care for.  And if God sees fit that Josh and I bring another child into this world, I will welcome that.  It is truly an honor that I do not take lightly.

Today, I have no idea what life will look like by the time the baby arrives in April.  There are so many things I am unsure of.  But today I am at peace knowing that I am the proud mother of four children who are so very loved.  And for today, that's enough.

Greens Baby

So we've officially blasted all over social media that...

Yep... That's right!  Baby #4 is on the way!  I have no doubt that leaves many people going, "What on earth are they thinking?"  "Don't they know what prevents that?"  "Didn't they just say their kid slept with grapes in her mouth?"  "They've lost their minds!"  And yeah... maybe we have!  There are certainly days I think that as I'm juggling our life of homeschooling, gymnastics, baseball, room parent, etc.  

However, the biggest question I've been getting is, "Was this planned or was it a surprise?"  It makes me giggle when people ask.  And I certainly don't mind answering.  So here is my answer... Baby #4 was a surprise to our family but certainly part of God's plan for us.  Here is our story:

Since we had Hadlie five years ago, we have been practicing natural family planning.  For many reasons we didn't feel as if birth control was a fit for us.  We charted like crazy people, and we were extremely accurate.  Not one mistake.  Until July.  Our first "uh oh" in five years.  We knew that day when we went to chart it (told you we did this like crazy people) that we had played with fire.  But honestly we figured that the odds were in our favor.  We weren't careful for a year and half before we finally got Miss Hadlie.  But one time is all it takes!

Of course this made no sense to me.  A year and a half before getting Hadlie and one time for baby #4?!?  So I began researching.  What had I been doing differently?  What made me so fertile this time?  Didn't my body remember it only likes to get pregnant in December?  

I began looking back.  I had been on a health kick.  (Which I have quickly thrown out the window to eat anything and everything that I want until this baby comes!!)  I had been walking, using our It Works Wraps, and drinking my Greens religiously.  So which part of this made me Fertile Myrtle?!?  

I believe hands down it was the Greens (with the help of the Wraps).  The Greens correct your body's alkalinity.  What do you find when you research alkalinity and pregnancy?  Well, the more alkaline your body, the easier it is for you to get pregnant!  (Which makes total sense when you think about how an alkaline body works against cancer!)  And BAM!  As soon as I read that it all clicked! 

This is my little Greens Baby!  I have no doubt that they were doing exactly what they were designed to do in my body, and this baby is my proof of that!  Most people get more energy and become healthier.  I got a BABY!  Talk about RESULTS!  

Now that I have looked into it more, I know that I'll start back on my health kick as soon as I'm able to with baby and breastfeeding.  I was feeling good and starting to lose some weight.  (I've gained every pound plus some back.  Thank you constant nausea only cured by food... and lots of good meds!)  But since we know the Greens do some serious work in my body, Daddy will be going on a field trip soon... SNIP SNIP ;)

Edited to add:  We've had several questions regarding the Greens.  You can find a product description here.  Please e-mail me at joshnjessmarick@gmail.com if you have any questions regarding the Greens or the specifics of what I was doing/using.

Disney Dad

I've been doing some research on why children with unmarried parents prefer to live with their fathers.  Basically I've been curious to whether it's a gender preference, an age thing, etc.  Obviously this is not always the case, kids wanting to live with their dads, that is.  But in our home it is, so I wanted to know why.  That's just how I function.  I have to know the why... the science... whatever behind it.  Not that I don't believe my children or trust their feelings, but I know research has been done on this so I was curious to what it said.  So I've read everything I can find.  Scientific research, op ed pieces, web forums... you name it, I've read it!

As I begin to look into this, an alarming trend appeared from women.  (Mostly in web forums, but also some op ed pieces as well.)  Women claimed over and over again their child only wanted to live with their ex because their ex was what many refer to us a "Disney Dad" or "Uncle Dad".  This meaning, the dad is just around for the fun and not the actual parenting.  This infuriated me for many reasons so I'm putting it out there in the world that this girl right here (one biological and step mom) thinks women believing this might actually be fooling themselves instead of just accepting the fact that their child's needs are changing.  I'll use my home as my example.

My step son comes here to visit.  The visitation my husband was given was 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends; Thursdays during the school year; 30 days during summer in addition to weekends; school holidays rotating each year.  So starting off the courts have set dad's up to have children during "quality time" periods.  These are generally times when the father and children do not have work or school obligations as frequently.  Thus, creating the perception that dad only does the fun stuff.  Well, court system and ladies, we've set it up to be this way.  It has been proven that the non-custodial parent actually has more "quality time" with the child than the custodial parent in custody situations such as ours.  Most of the hours the child has in the custodial household are spent sleeping and at school.  Once you add in homework, dinner, and extra curricular activities your "quality time" has been lost in the day to day life.  But remember, this arrangement is what you wanted.

Camping with the girls while J-Man was making memories
with his Mom over Memorial Day weekend!

Now to dispel the myth that all that happens at the non-custodial house is fun and play.  Well, maybe in some homes, but not in ours (or anyone that I know).  We have lives just like the rest of you.  We have a marriage and other children.  We have a world that was spinning while we didn't have my step son here.  It did not stop when he left our home to await his return.  And when he does return each time there are still toys to be picked up, practices to attend, church obligations, and yep... date nights or alone time that don't involve any of our kids.  

Oh, and those weekday visits (including the summer).  Well, we still have to go to work.  It's funny how that goes.  I will say in our home, we are very fortunate.  The kids are cared for by their grandparents in our absence.  Their routine does not differ.  Also, my husband and I have flexible work schedules.  So the children are never left more than a few hours at a time and a maximum of four days a week.  However, that has nothing to do with my step son's visitation schedule.  This is the life we chose because we have three children who need us to be present in their lives.  

Sometimes being a "good dad" means
throwing batting practice!

In addition to us working year round, the school year brings extra challenges because you add in homework and earlier bed times.  This lessens the amount of "fun" time that anyone is having.  And usually means that this mom is counting the minutes until bedtime due to pure exhaustion.

I know it may seem ideal and be easier on the hearts of mom's around the world to think that dad's house is all fun and games.  And I'd imagine that sometimes it really is more fun.  But that's not because dad is trying to one up you.  He's simply being himself.  Research has shown that dad's play more frequently with their children.  Dad's do parenting differently.  It's taken me a long time to realize this (okay, so I'm still working on it), but this is okay and *gasp* good for the children!

My research has nothing to do with this topic, but I just couldn't read another post by some mom about how her child only wanted to live with dad because he was a "Disney Dad".  It made me feel all defensive.  And in full disclosure, my husband has never been accused of this
by his ex so it's not even personal.  More so it just irritated me for father's everywhere.  

And sometimes being a "good dad" means time alone
with Mama!  

I've noticed a huge movement by father's trying to prove they are just as vital as mother's.  Research has backed this up time and time again.  As women we have to support this notion that they matter just as much as mother's do.  Someday our son's will grow up, and we live in a fallen world.  They may find themselves in circumstances which require them to defend their ability to parent equally.  If we are not paving the way for them to have this opportunity now, then we are doing them an injustice.  

My step son wants to live with his dad.  And I may not understand all the reasoning behind it, but there is one thing that is for certain... it's not because he's a "Disney Dad".  Let's stop using that as our defense and start looking at the million other reasons research and our children are telling us might possibly be the case.